Tyra Katalina

This morning at 3:17 my angel TK made a week old. I feel like I waited forever to see her and hold her. She is exactly what I expected her to be.  I was so afraid of her delivery without Dink but the closer it got to my due date all I could think about was how much I wanted to hold and kiss her. The excitement overpowered my fear and anxiety about Dink not being there.

I started having contractions Saturday morning around 3:30am. Emma had a game to cheer at so we went to that at 8. After the game I went home and thought I would be able to rest before going to the hospital. I saw blood in my urine so we left right away. My contractions weren't heavy enough and I was only 2cm dilated so they sent me home and told me to come back if the contractions get worse or my water breaks.

We went home and ate lunch and I tried to nap a little. After a while I felt a pop and what I thought was my water breaking. We went back to the hospital and found out it wasn't my water. They told me I could stay and be induced and I didn't want that so I went home. 

My contractions got harder and harder. My mom wanted to take a nap so I told her to go ahead. By the time my mom woke up the contractions were so hard I could nearly remember to breath threw them. She said she had enough and packed me into the car. By the time we made it to the hospital I was 6cm dilated and in so much pain I couldn't talk. The nurses got all my info and called the anesthesiologist to do my epidural. 

I had my mom, sister, and mother in-law in the room with me. I made sure to pack a picture of Dinkie and had my mom hang my necklace from the picture frame when they told me I needed to take off my jewelry. I wanted him to be a part of bringing our daughter into the world. I made sure he was there some how.

The delivery went smoothly and when I saw TK i was so relived to see she was healthy. After the shock of seeing her and all the pushing was over all I could do was cry. I was upset he wasn't there. I wanted to see him hold TK and dance around the room like he did with Emma. We both worked so hard to get TK. It took us almost a year to get pregnant and now I don't have my partner to enjoy it with me.  

After TK was born the nurses asked me about her daddy and I had already answered that question when they admitted me. It hurt so bad to be constantly reminded of his absence. Not only did they ask me but when I was answering the questions for her birth certificate I had to answer the same questions again. The lady asked my marital status and I had to say widowed. Then she asked about TKs father and I had to remind her that I just said I was widowed. She said sorry then asked if I want him on the birth certificate. What kind of question is that? 

I was released from the hospital Monday afternoon and have had a good first week at home. Emma is a great big sister and I am more happy than I ever expected to be. Just seeing TK makes me happy. She is my last little gift Dinkie gave me and I'm just so glad she is finnaly here.

Thursday was TK's first doctors appointment and we visited my moms job to say hi. Saturday was TK's first birthday party and she decided it would be cool to poop all up the back of her diaper. So she got a whipey bath and a hair rinse at the party. Also today was her first trip to the grocery store. She slept threw the hole thing.

I didn't think it was posible to be this happy again. Having TK here is so wonderful. I love to see how Emma is with her and it makes me feel great. Emma is the best big sister. I know my girls are what keeps me going and now that they are both here together it just helps even more. 

The 3rd again

Yesterday was the 3rd yet again. It's hard to imagin it's been 4 months since I saw Dink. For the last three months around the 3rd I would get upset and stay in bed an cry. I decided yesterday was going to be different. 

When I woke up yesterday I was worried that TK would come. I really didn't want her to be born on the 3rd of any month. I have not had any contractions and I have not had any changes so I was pretty sure she wouldn't come yesterday.

I started my day by taking a shower then I went to the bank. After the bank I went to San Jac to see about going back to school. I want to get out of the job I'm at and be able to provide more for my girls. After San Jac I took my grandmother to the grocery store. I got home with just enough time to sit in bed and put another coat of glitter on TKs shoes. After that I had a therapy appointment and went home to spent a little time with Emma and have her read to me before bed. 

I didn't want to give myself time to be upset that it was the third. If I did I would have laid in bed and cried all day and that's just not healthy. Dink would not want me to do that and I need to be healthy both mentally and physically for our girls. Everyone tells me to think about what Dink would say or do and I know he wouldn't want me to lay around in bed crying. He would tell me that things will get better and that they always do. So I am going to try and remember that when I get upset.

I don't think there will ever be a day that I don't think of Dink. I miss him like crazy but I have the feeling like he is with me some how.