What a world

I'm sitting here at the car wash having the company truck cleaned and I catch myself wanting to talk to Dink. When I would be sent on these trips weather to a customer or to sit and wait for the truck to be washed I would instinctively call Dink as soon as my phone hooked up to the truck Bluetooth. I would let him know where I was going and what I was doing. While sitting in the waiting room I could talk to him about anything and everything. I love how I could litteraly talk to him about anything no mater how wierd or gross it would be. He knew exactly what to say to make me laugh or no worry about whatever I was worried about. He knew how to make me feel better just with his words.

I miss getting his text every morning telling me he missed me or how much he loved me. I miss snuggling up to him in the mornings after he got up to get dressed. He would always make sure to get up with enough time to lay back down with me because he said when I would roll over and search for him in my sleep he thought it was adorable. I miss how he couldn't sleep with ought holding my pillow or my study animals he got me because he needed to be holding me to sleep.
I now sleep with that bear. I miss how he would rub my belly at night and I miss how he would snore in my ear. I miss the way he smells and the way he sleeps. I miss everything about him. He was the only person that could make me feel so beautifull all the time no mater how crappy I actually looked. I miss how he was so worry free and always said we would make it. 

He would always tell me that we should have fun and do what we want because he will alway make more money. He was very free spirited and wanted everyone to be happy and laughing. He loved to play jokes and have a good time. I love how adventurous he was and he was open to lots. Not everything but lots. He was able to do so much and he was greatful for every new experience. He often told me he never thought he would have done the tings he had. He was from a very small poor town that little to no one knows about yet he was able to get out there and experience life. When we met he had nothing but a small suitcase and what was in it. He made the best of what we had and was happy with it. He was always very greatful for everything. 

This weekend was the benefit and I know he is very greatful for everyone that showed up to help, donate, or just show support. It was very strange being on the other end of the fundraising event. As most of our family and friends know we did lots of volunteering and fundraising and just dedications ourselves to others and animals in need. He would have been so proud and so thankfull to everyone and everything. I know he would an I know I am. Emma didn't really understand what was going on but she did know she had lots of fun and that I was emotional. She aske me if I was ok several times. I tried to keep myself together for the most part and I think I did well. I had to excuse myself a few times to compose but I think I did well. 

Also on the day of the benefit I had to go up to the hospital to do the walk around and pre-register. There was a group of 14 and I was the only single mother. The tour guide knew what my situations was and I could tell that she had done the tour several times. She had it down and was use to saying DAD or DADDY several times and every time she did she would look at me with guilt in her eyes. She could tell I was being bothered by it and so could my mom. I had stepped back several times during the tour. 

I am compleatly terrified to do this without him. I know I won't be alone but I feel as if I'm doing this alone. I won't have him to hold my hand and tell me how beautiful I look while sweaty in pain and pushing. I won't have him to give TK bottles or change diapers. I will have sever other people but I won't get the joy of seein the father of my child struggle to put in a diaper. Mothers get a sweet joyous feeling seeing the man they love taking care of the child they made. I can't explain the joy I got out of just seeing him pm hold Emma or give her a diaper. Watching them practice softball or helping her read. It's just a mother thing that I'm going to miss and I already do. 

I have started making TK's baby book and I took Emma's out as a reference. Dinks handwriting was so beautiful and I had him fill most of the book out. I loved seeing the the things he wrote and how much love he put into it. He made sure to use pink for the things I said and blue for the things he said an black for something we both said. I wish he was here to do TK's book with me. I have Emma now and I know she will make some awesome pages. 

To get up, or not to get up.

I am finding I have to push myself threw every day. Some days I am pushing harder than others. Everyday things just seem pointless and meaningless to me. I know no one ever wants to get up in the morning but this is different. I just some times don't see the point in it. Most people work towards something, towards happiness. Since mine was taken away too soon I don't see what I'm working towards. Just taking a shower or brushing my teeth are struggles for me. I use to love the shower. I still like to sit I. The shower but it's not the same. I would have the radio on and realax and cry if I needed. Now I shower in silence and cry every time. Not because I need it but because I can't help myself. 

My mom wants me to get my room/ the baby's room together and ready. Most pregnant mothers have started the nesting stage by now and have gotten the roomed set up and ready to go. I still have all TK's things in boxes and buckets. I have tried several times to get some paint to paint a wall and to organize my room but I just can't seem to get enough motivation to fallow threw. 

If I didn't see Emma every morning I know I wouldn't do anything with my life. I would just be a blob in my bed. I miss him so much. I miss seeing him and Emma play and I miss the way he made me feel. I miss everything about him even the stuff that made me mad. 

7-13-14

Emma's 7th birthday party was this Saturday. It was hard on both of us. Emma seamed withdrawn and didn't really get in to the swing of things till I made her open her presents. What kind of kid doesn't want to open presents? I think she was upset and she didn't want to tell anyone. I tried to get her to go on the slide or go out and play but she just wanted to sit inside and watch tv. After presents we did cake and then I convinced her to go play. I wish there was more I could have done to make it better. She misses Dink deeply as do I. We stayed the night and when we woke up we talked about daddy and how he would smile when I kissed him. Every time I kissed Emma she would smile a little and we would both laugh. She remembered he would play dead then when she kissed him he would wake up and hug her. She was his savior. 

Yestersay was a pretty chill day. We packed all Emma's presents into my car and took them home. I had a massage scheduled because I knew I would be stressed from the party. I went to the massage then came home and we all took a little nap. When we woke up Emma and I went to have dinner with my dad. We went home a little after 8 and Emma went to sleep fairly easily. 

I on the other hand could not rest. I ended up watching tv till 1 then trying to force myself to sleep. I slept a little but all I could think about was Dink. I tost and turned and got up to walk around two times because I just couldn't sleep. I miss him next to me. When I had sleepless nights like that he would always rub my back or comb his fingers threw my hair and rub my face till I fell asleep. I am so sleepy and so miserable. I want my love back. I want back all the things that drove me crazy. I miss him snorting in my ear, I miss the dragon breath I would smell in the mornings. I miss him rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I miss begging him to go into work a little later so we could snuggle. I miss all the affection he would give me. I don't know exactly what I feel but I know it's close to bein lost and alone. 

I can't help but think that this is not fair. I wanted Emma to have the best dad and she did for 6 short years. How is that fair to her. I am afraid she will forget him. It's not fair that TK won't even know him. She will only know what we tell her. Emma's first word was Dada, what will TK's be? I want him back not only for me but for my girls. He made us smile when we needed to even if we didn't want to. 

Sometimes I think this would all be easier if he was a jerk. If he wouldn't have been so awesome I could just resent him and only be sad that my girls didn't have a good dad. But since he was such a great father, husband, friend, and all around person I think it makes it so much harder. Why would God give us somethig so wonderful just to take it away? 

I feel guilty for buying him what he wanted for his birthday, my boss feels guilty to talking to him about guns, my mom feels guilty for not staying there with him. Why must we all feel like this is some how our fault? I feel like I took my daughters father away from them and I got rid of what made me the happiest. 

Now with the benefit nearig I feel guilty for getting a new car. I used the hole check to get me and the girls a reliable means of transportation. Both cars Dink and I owned decided to die on me too. Mine won't move and Dink's will over heat by the time I get down 5 blocks. Being 8 months pregnant I thought the responsible thing to do would be to get one that I can drive to work and Emma to school and ever get myself to the hospital an home with my new baby. But all I feel is guilt because I used what I got and I only got it because the person I love most is no longer here. How can I be happy about getting a new car when this is what I have to go threw toget it? The benefit is to help raise money to help raise my girls but I feel guilty even having it. I am always the one on te other side of these things and how can I get this money from this but I just spent what I did have on a car? Was I doing the right thing? Was I wrong for buying the car? 

I just don't know what to feel or do. I feel like I am lost in a maze and everything I think I see a light to get out it's just a mirror that I run into. I am lost, afraid, and even though I have tons of support I feel so alone. I read somewhere that grief is like being stuck in the ocean. The begening of the storm drowns you in wave after wave of emotions and you feel helpless. The. The waters calm but there are alway and forever the waves that like to come back. Some are small and some feel like the initial storm itself. I compleatly agree with that. I feel like I'm drowning most of the time. And my main priority to to keep Emma and TK afloat but I know they are the ones keeping me afloat. 

5th Wedding Aniversary, 2months gone, July 4th weekend

I have been trying to blog about this week since Saturday. I have been trying to keep busy because when I am I cry less and I tend to try and enjoy myself, even though I feel guilty for doing so. I have all these random emotions that I can’t quite keep under control. I am sad then happy then very angry then happy then mad at myself for being happy. I guess a part of me feels that, I shouldn’t feel happy with him not here and when I do, I fell bad or get mad at him for doing this to me. A friend of mine told me not to feel guilty and that he would want me to be happy and he wants to see my smile. I agree but I still can’t help feeling the way I do. This is not how I wanted my life to go or the life of my kids to start out.

Tuesday was my 5^th wedding anniversary and pretty much just a bad day all around. I cried almost all day and I even got in trouble at work for not being on top of my game. My boss knew what day it was and how it would affect me because I told him last week I was terrified of that day. He said that he didn’t understand how I could be doing so well then not at all. I had to explain to him that I try and keep my composure at work because I am at work. I told him I’m not doing well and I just hide that from everyone I can. After my horrible day at work I went to the mall with my mom, sister, and Emma. We walked around some; bought Emma a dress and jacket, ate, and got cookies. I think I cried as much that day as I did the day he left.

Wednesday and Thursday went by as a normal day except we were very busy at work due to the holiday. After work on Thursday I was on my way to a friend to go out for the weekend. They live about an hour away and I didn’t pack the night before like I had planned because I was too tired. I forgot Emma’s Medicine so I had to turn around and go back to meet my mom to get it. Then we stopped at the hospital t visit my dad. Emma loves spending time with him. We just sat in the hospital room and watched a movie while eating some dinner.  We got to my friends around 11 that night and I was so tired and I knew we needed to get up early to get a head start on our drive.

Friday was the 4^th and we had planned to be at Six Flags all day to have fun and watch fireworks. We left the house around 8:30 am. We didn't get to Six Flags till 5pm. We were in stopped traffic for what seemed like forever. I thought I would be clever and get us around to 90 since all the traffic was on i10. We did a little off roading and lots of back streets but when we came back to 90 we found out all of i10 was being dumped onto 90 due to an 18 wheeler that was carrying chemicals wrecking and spilling everything onto i10. So what was supposed to be a 3 hour drive turned into 8 hours. We did however make it to Six Flags and Emma had lots of fun. The first ride she rode was a roller coaster. I made sure to put her wedge tennis on her so she would be tall enough for all the rides. I suffered silently in the heat because at 7.5 months pregnant you can’t ride anything, but seeing the joy on my baby girl’s face made it all ok. We ended the day watching fireworks as we made our way out of the park. We had a late dinner at a Mexican restaurant and finally got back to the ranch house around 12 that night.

The house we stayed in was way in the middle of nowhere and I thought we would never make it. I guess I was just so tired from our day that it seemed like a long drive. The roads had no street lights and the further and further we got into the country side the creepier it got. We finally turned off onto a dirt road and drove down it for a while till we came to a fence with a little dirt road that led to a good size 2 bedroom house. You could hear the animals making noises and see stars as clear as day. It was beautiful. It was too dark to see what was around us till we got up the next morning. It was beautiful and peaceful. It was on tons of land and there where horses in the back hard and road runners running around.  It was exactly the kind of place I loved to be. There was no tv and no internet but the view was awesome.

Saturday we spent the day at the water park in Six Flags. Emma road as many water rides as she could and I even got to ride the kid’s slides. I love being in the water so with Emma running around I had time to just sit around and relax. I got a little crispy but I didn’t notice till my nose started pealing days later. We ended our day at Big Lou’s Pizza in San Antonio and had another 42” pizza.

Sunday we slept in late then headed to the river walk to see the Alamo and eat. We ate at the Hard Rock and Emma found her’s and Daddy’s favorite singers memorabilia and had to have a picture with it. They both loved Michael Jackson so much, that’s something no one can ever take away from them. The food was great and all the kids got balloon animals. After we ate we walked back to the Alamo and Emma wanted to go in so we did. She got a toy pop cap gun and a charm for her bracelet in the gift shop. When we were leaving my friend called and said he had a gift for her so we waited outside. They got her a Dream catcher on a necklace. It was very cute and very sweet. Now she has one with her all the time to help with her bad dreams.  On the way home we stopped and Buc-ee’s and ran into traffic in Sealy but other than that it was smooth sailing.  

My holiday weekend was fun and I was happy to see Emma enjoying herself so much. She constantly talks about her daddy saying what he would say or do. The pain is still there but when I have weekends like this or even days like this where I can see Emma so happy and excited about something then it hurts a lot less. As we were leaving I remembered being there at the Alamo 7 months pregnant with Emma so i wanted that picture again. This is what we got, its not the same without him but I know he is with us.

Nightmares and my Day

For a while after Dink's accident Emma was having nightmares. At first she was not telling us but when she did we made a way to make it work. We couldn't find a dream catcher right away so our neighbor gave her a rope doll and we told her it was a Dream Gobbler. Then once we went to Garner we stoped in San Antonio on the way back and we found one she really liked. Now Emma is doing well and she has actually slept in her room alone ( with all the dogs).

I on the other hand have been still having nightmares and daymares, if that's even a thing. I know it will stay like this for a while and I have come to terms with it. I have talked to several people in my group that have found their spouses and they all have told me, you never get rid of the image/memory of that day.  But they do know and have said that it fades and it will get farther in between. I can't wait for that but I know it's a process. I hate that I'm ok one minute then crying and a broken mess the next. 

Now not only do I have to worry about my daughters sleep and my sleep, now my dog BamBam is having nightmares. He cries and runs and whimpers. Not only I have noticed but my other animals have too. They try to sleep with him and comfort him. When I just woke him up out of one of his dreams and he looked terrified. I have no way to know if it is connected but I feel bad. I am very attached to what I do have left and my animals are like my kids. It hurts to not be able to fix things. 

As for the rest of my day it was a nightmare in it's self. I took the day off to take care of all the death crap I have going on. I never thought I would have been taking care of these things at 27. It's really depressing. 

Back to my day. I woke up at 7am to be at the social security office before it opened. I was there before opening and they had a line around the building. Then once I get inside I get put into the wrong line so I had to get back in line after being there hours already. After the social security office I go to have lunch with my daughter at one of my loves favorite places, Wich Wich. Emma wanted Daddy's favorite sandwich so I had to order it for her. It was both hard and made me happy. I love that she loves and misses her daddy so much. 

After lunch we went to pick up the death certificates. Once I had them it made everything seem so real and suck a lot more. I had to take them to the bank to try and get my cars taken care of and the accounts that are frozen closed. Having to talk about him all day at the social security office then at the bank didn't make for a good day. 

To end my day I went to my doctors appointment and got to hear TK and find out how she is and that she is growing just the way she should.