Maybe Things DO Happen for a Reason?

I normally don't blog this often but Emma told me a story yesterday that made me think and also reminded me of something she told me that I forgot I wanted to blog about.

Yesterday on our way home Emma told me that a friend of hers lost her Grandpa. I asked her how she found out and she said her friend told her. I said, "oh really?" and she decided to tell me what happen. She said she was at recess on the playground and her friend walked up to her as asked if they could talk. Emma said she looked upset and asked what was wrong. The little girl said her grandpa passed away then she looked like she was going to cry. Emma said a little boy ran past them on the playground so Emma told the little girl come on and pulled her to the side so they could sit and talk. Emma took her friend to an empty bench where the teachers normally sit yet that day they were somewhere else. Emma told the little girl her daddy and grandma and grandpa passed away too. Emmas friend said she could hear her grandpas voice over and over in her head. Emma told her that it was ok the be upset and cry. Emma told her friend that if she needed a moment to tell the teacher and she can go to the counseler, or the bathroom, or even hair the hallway to cry and think. Then the girls were called to go inside. 

I asked Emma if her friend knew that her daddy, grandma, and grandpa passed away and she said no. I said "huh" and Emma asked why I said that. I told Emma,"isnt it funny that out of all the kids at recess she picked you to tell"? Emma said because I'm her friend. So I asked if she had any other friends at recess and she said yeah. Then I asked why she didn't talk to any of her other friends and Emma said she didn't know. I told Emma that it was because something or someone was telling her friend that Emma would be the most help in this situation. I'm so proud of my baby and her advice to her friend and I know her daddy is too. 

I know Dink and my Dad is watching over the girls and I can only hope they are as proud of Emma as I am. And on that note, Facebook is programmed to find the people in the photo and put a box over the faces so it's easier to tag the people in the photo. But today when I posted a photos of the girls there were three boxes on the photos, not two. 

So I did the sensible thing and tagged Dink in the pics since it felt like he was there.

So those were two signs to me that someone is watching and with us.

Now on to the other thing Emma said. I think it was last week sometime but I know we were driving to cheer practice. Emma said, " mommy, I think I know why God wanted Daddy to let go of the grass". Surprised I ask why. Emma said, "because TK was coming and he need to make room for her too, maybe God said that there were too many cool people so daddy had to go before TK got here".

I almost wanted to cry for a second because I have had that very same thought just about. My reasoning is because the world couldn't handle that much awesome at one time so God needed Dink to go before he could let another awesome person come to be.  I know it kinda sucks to think of it that way but it kinda doesn't also.  

My babies amaze me every day!

Nothing is ever easy

In the last two weeks, or so, I have had a few ups and downs on this new journey of mine. We had Halloween, my sister and her boyfriend bought a house YAY, my company sold BOO, Drill competition, My dads first birthday in heaven, and TK is now walking. Life keeps going and all anyone can do is try to go with it as best they can.

For Halloween this year I made Emma's costume. I stayed up 3 night in a row trying to make it perfect. I want my girls to have the best holiday ever, every holiday. We trick-or-treat'ed in the rain because that's what Emma wanted to do. I didn't want to and voiced that yet I did it. I had planned to go spend some time with someone special to me after yet I had no sitter. I had a dress and new shoes ready for Halloween that got left in the closet. I wanted so bad to be mad at my mom and sister for not helping me. I wanted to be mad at anyone because I felt that I worked to make my kids happy for Halloween yet I had to do without because I had them and no sitter. The only person I could think to actually be mad at was Dink. I was mad that he left me here to do this by myself. I have to do without to make sure my kids are taken care of. If he was here I still wouldn't have gotten to go out but if he was then i wouldn't have wanted to. I would have been content at home. I couldn't even take the girls to a friends to hang out because Emma had to be at competition at 8am the next morning so I was literally stuck. They ended up rescheduling the following Sunday.

The day before Halloween I was informed that my company sold. The last time I went threw a buy out I was let go along with the rest of the company. so this was not happy news to me. Not only that my sister and her boyfriend (my coworker) just signed on their new how earlier that day. So not only did that stress out my self because now I'm the only person in my house that pays bills, but it stressed out both my sister and her boyfriend. I guess that's just one more thing to add to my pile of never ending supply of stress factors.

Being a single parent is hard. I am the only one responsible for two precious lives. I have to feed and cloth them, make sure they have running water and a roof over their heads and I cant do that without money and I need a job to get that. I had no plans to be a single parent and with all the help I get I still struggle. I have friends and my mom that are always trying to help and do help but it still sucks. I still feel alone, different, secluded, left out. I don't know how to explain it but its not the same. When I take the girls anywhere I feel as if I am being judged. This was a topic in my group last Wednesday. Its like I can feel people looking at my little family. Wondering where the dad was, was he a dead beat that left them to do this on their own, or maybe we are just divorced and its my turn to have them. I want to tell everyone around me that he was a fantastic father and husband and he would be here if he could but he cant and never will be able to again. With myself being so young and my kids obviously look mixed I know what people are thinking when they see us.  I know because when I saw a single young lady with mixed kids I would automatically assume the dad wasn't around purely because he didn't want to be. I know that is terrible but that's what life has shown me.

So on top of always feeling out of place and secluded, this Saturday November 7th was my dads first birthday in Heaven. My sister and I got a text message informing us that our family was going to meet up at my dads favorite bar to have a toast to him. Both my sister and myself were very hurt that we were an after though when this was being planned. We were text 30 min before everyone was scheduled to be there. I feel like my family is falling apart. Last year was a hard year for my family. We lost Dink, then my grandmother, then my Dad. Normally families pull together tighter where tragedy strikes yet my family has decided to drift apart. We didn't have Christmas last year and now this year we are not having Thanksgiving.

I'm not sure how my holidays are going this year but I'm hoping for the best. I plan on being with whoever wants us there and as long as my kids are happy Ill be happy.