Where did my family go?

Family has been and always will be the most important thing to me. I remember as a kid I always looked forward to holidays, birthdays, and weekends because I always knew we would get together with my family, run around with my cousins, sit around to eat meals, and play games. Before my parents got divorced both side of the family would come together as one for holidays and birthdays. After the divorce my moms side would do their thing and my dads side would do theirs. Yet they all still managed to get together and I made a point of it to make sure I went to both sides. No family is perfect and some people would go long periods of time without speaking yet I always made sure to see ALL of my family. My holidays would consist of me packing and unpacking my car 3-4 times a day just so I could see everyone at each gathering. 

Since the passing of Dink, My grandmother, and my dad all of that has stopped. My family has almost disappeared. My sister said it feels as if our family has just given up on us. at first I refused to accept this and I tried to talk her out of this thinking but as time has gone on I've decided to just leave it be. The last two years If I want to see my family for holidays I would have to call around and ask if anyone is doing anything. My sister and I have missed baby showers, birthdays, graduations, and other life events because we were after thoughts. 

My moms side bickers like little kids and will go years without talking. The only time they get together is when someone dies. When it's too late to mend the wounds. But what I don't understand is why be so bitter and hateful to a family member in the first place? 

My dads side of the family had the strongest connections. We would get together with family from out of town and all over the US several times a year. Holidays, Mardi Gras, camping trips, etc. Our Cinco De Mayo parties were epic! Birthday parties lasted a day and a night sometimes into the next day. And EVERYONE attended. My father was the last to pass away in 2014 and after that no one was willing or wanted to get together any more. We haven't had any holidays and I always invite everyone to every birthday but only a few would attend and every year the numbers dwindle. Granted my cousin did attend Emma birthday this year. 

Lots of people ask about Dinks family. Well most of them live in Louisiana. It's hard to get over there on one income and two small kids. I don't want to drive that far alone and if I ask someone to come along I feel obligated to pay their way.  Ok so what about the family here in houston. He has a few cousins and an aunt. I hear from them now and then and keep in touch on Facebook. Two of them come by and like to see the girls and I am pretty sure they have visited with them more than any of my family has. 

Holidays are the hardest times for grief. It's a reminder of those who aren't there. When your family has no interest in getting together it's not only a loss of a loved one but a loss of all the connecting people you had with that loved one. Here it is Wednesday November 22nd, the day before thanksgiving and I have not heard one peep from either side of my family. No invited to dinner, no what are you bringing, nothing. I'm so sad that this is what my family has come to.

Yet even with the loss of our family I know the girls and I will have wonderful Holidays because we have new family and friends. The Martinez family has always let me know where the holidays will be held and we were even asked to go to Arkansas this year. Shevon and Gabby always send times and dates of where birthdays, and other events will be. And Darius's family has taken us in with open arms, we are not only invited but expected to be present. Most of the time I'm the one telling Darius where his family is doing the holiday or event.

I wish my family was as close as there were before but I am forever thankful for my friends and Daruis' family for keeping the girls and I busy and happy.

I Just Can't

The week of the sixth was literally one of the worst weeks I've had in the last couple years. I thought I was going to be able to clean out my storage and pick up my husband belongings from Police Department and still be OK. Yet life had other plans for me. 

Sunday, August 6th I planned to clean out the storage. I've been struggling to make payments and I haven't seen or needed any of the things in there for over three years now so I thought this would be an easy fix. I had my mother, my sister, my brother-in-law, and my friend Cathy volunteer to come with me. It took us a little over 2 hours to sort through boxes, bags, buckets, and anything else that could hold things. I did OK until the very end when we got to things that were closer to sentimental value.  Things like cups, blankets, toys, etc. didn't really bother me. But when it got down to the pictures and handwritten notes it got hard. I could see events that happened on the day that a picture was taken. I could hear his voice in my head reading the notes, just like the movies. When I got down to just our bed and a couple dressers it hit me like a ton of bricks. I broke down.

I have not had a break down in a good while. I would say about 6 months. And when I say breakdown I don't men just crying. I do that pretty regularly. I'm talking about shaking, crying, anxiety, and all the in between. I was told I would probably have ptsd yet don't believe my therapist till all these things started happening.  With all that I thought I did pretty well. With all that was going on and all the memories I just had to go threw I felt accomplished. Sad, yet accomplished. I am relieved that the storage is finally done. I don't have to worry about paying it any more and all the things that were not being used can go to someone that needs them. 

When I got home I was exhausted both physically and mentally. I just wanted to lay in bed and be held. I didn't feel like cooking or anything. Darius doesn't normally come over till Monday's but I asked him to come and he did with a pizza. He occupied TK so I could decompress a little then he laid in bed with us till we fell asleep. 

I woke up Monday morning still feeling really heavy. I dreamt about Dink and my dad and Darius all talking  together so it was kind of nice. Yet still very emotional. I got up, went to the potty, then walked into my closet to get clothes and it was flooded. All my things on the floor were soaking wet and the carpet drenched. I went to work and on my lunch break I came home to shut off the water to my house. When we came back we pulled all my stuff out and tried to find out if a wall was leaking or the ceiling. Everything was fine other than my soaking wet carpet. That's when I started panicking again. I can't afford this right now, i don't know how to handle this, and I can't even find where this water is coming from. I ended up trying to soak up water with towels and hope it dried. 

Also on my lunch break I called the police department and let them know I wanted to pick up Dinks belongings. I let the clerk know I would be going Tuesday on my lunch break and that I would have a friend with me to take the gun. I have wanted his ID and glasses from day one but have left them there because I was not allowed to just pick them up. I had to pick up everything at once. I felt that I did pretty well with the storage and picking his things up were the last things I needed to do. I wanted to get everything done and over with. And I thought I could handle it. 

Tuesday the closet was still soaking wet but other than that I felt ok. I went to work, chatted with my friends all morning, and drilled some orders. It was a pretty normal morning. My friends brother agreed to meet me at the police station and take the gun, clean it, and sell it for me. That way I never had to see it or mess with it at all. Everything seemed fine and I didn't have any worries. I posted I was headed to the police department to pick up he things and to wish me luck. I was ok till I pulled into the parking lot. As soon as I pulled in my heart started racing and it became hard to breath. I messaged my friends and told them I was ok till I got there and I was waiting for Robert. When he got there I was breathing hard and couldn't keep my arms still. I told him I was freaking out and he tried his best to just talk to me and occupy my mind. I held it together while waiting for the clerk to come out, then when she went to make a copy of my ID, and then walking out the door to my car. As soon as I sat down in my car I started crying. That's when I started reliving the day. I could smell the blood, smell the vomit, I could see him sitting there, I could feel the panic I had that day and all I could do was panic. My friend pulled up at that moment and got in my car and just cried with me. I took the rest of my lunch break to go home and sit on my couch with Emma and try to decompress. That evening Darius and I sat on the couch talking about how hard it was and if I was ok. 

Wednesday was a normal day till lunch time as well. At lunch I was home playing with Emma and had my phone in my hand. Some how I deleted a couple of my message threads. I notice that Darius and mine messages were missing and I was upset about it a little. But then Emma asked me to send her a picture and when I went to look for her thread it was gone as well. Emma now has Dinks old number. So all the text between he and I were deleted along with emmas and mine. I panicked. I posted it on Facebook hoping someone would have a solution but I didn't even look at half the comments. At that point I was completely over life and everything it was throwing at me. I deactivated my Facebook and Instagram and stopped answering my friends. My friend Brandi called me that evening to ask what was going on. I started explaining and she decided to bring me wine and ice cream. After a glass of wine, a cup of ice cream, and a long hot bath I went to sleep. 

Thursday my tooth broke. I then decided the universe and all it's powers were against me. I had told my friends and my girls we would go camping this weekend so there was no backing out. Thursday evening I got camping things together and finished all the packing Friday. 

We spent the weekend in the woods and in the lake. I needed to get away and it helped to be with my girls and friends. The drinking didn't hurt either. 

Yesterday I went back to the psychologist to help me try and deal. She did a ptsd assessment and said I defiantly have it and helped me with a few technics to try and cope when I start to panic. Up till recently Darius was my go to for those things. He has talked me down and held me while I cried uncontrollably. But up till now I haven't had to deal with this much all at once. I'm pretty sure all the events played a big roll in my ability to deal with life but seeking help never hurt anyone. I am however very happy my storage is cleaned out and that Dinks things have been picked up. I feel relieved all the things I needed to do that had to do with the day of his passing are taken care of. I never again have to deal with that day until I'm ready. Even though I've had to deal with more than I bargained for this past week I'm still here and I'm still putting one good in front of the other. 

My Kids Call My Boyfriend Daddy

With the resent passing of Father's Day I have decided to address this. I have had several people say, "you LET them call him daddy?" or ask me how I feel about this, how my in laws feel about it, or how my family feels about it. And I've even had someone tell me they don't like it. But in all honesty, isn't it more about how my kids feel about it? It not like I pressured either of them into it and its really not up to me.

Tyra has never known anyone but Darius as a father figure. When she started to talk she naturally said "Dada" as one of her first words. And for the longest everyone was "Dada" to her. But when her vocabulary started to grow and I became "mommy" and Emma became "sissy", I never thought to "correct" Darius to...well, Darius.

The first time Emma or myself actually noticed that TK was calling Darius "Daddy", we were in the car and Emma showed her a picture of He and I. Emma pointed to me and asked, "who's that?", and TK answered, "mommy". But when Emma did the same to Darius TK replied, "Daddy!". Emma was immediately upset and started fussing at TK and pulled up pictures of Dink. She showed TK the pictures and said, "No this is your daddy". I was sad for both my girls. On one hand I had Emma to think about and how hurt she must have felt and the other TK had no idea why Emma was so mad.  I had to get onto Emma for being so mean to TK and still hear her out to let her know I understand why she was upset and that it was ok to be upset about it.

I tired to explain to Emma that just because TK called Darius Daddy, didn't mean she didn't love Dink or that he wasn't her daddy. I asked Emma if she ever noticed that I call my step dad Mike and my real dad, Dad. That I have called out "Dad" when both of them were present and I got a "yeah?' from both. They both know I call them Dad and they both know I loved them both. I told her that it was ok to love more than one dad and that it would never take away from the love any of us have for Dink. I brought up other people in our lives that have both a parent and a step parent that they call mom/dad. All of this seemed to help her feel better about the situation and she even told TK it was ok to call Darius daddy.

Since then Emma has really started to open up to the step dad concept. When I would say something like, "Daddy is on his way.", I would normally correct myself if I was talking to Emma and say, "sorry Darius". But not to long ago she told me I didn't have to change it to Darius and that she knew who I was talking about. She has even called him daddy randomly herself. I don't push her and I've told her she never has to call him anything other than Darius if that's what she wants.

I don't see anything wrong with my girls calling Darius Dad. He does all the things a dad would do. He has paid Daycare, bought clothes, shoes, school supplies, gone on field trips, picked them up, dropped them off, went to practices, went to games, went to Donuts with Dads, changed diapers, done their hair, let them do HIS makeup, tea parties, he paints toe nails, helps with homework, comforts them when they are hurt or sick, picks them up when they fall, and much much more.
If someone is doing their part to be there for the child as a parent weather they are biologically related or not they are the parent. I even have a friend who's parents I call Mom and Dad. They were there for me and still are there for the girls and I. I think it should only matter to the child/person that is calling them Mom/Dad.

I know lots of people probably wonder, what if we break up? I honestly feel very confident saying he will still be in the girls lives. He has mentioned before that if I were to leave him he would still want to see the girls. And knowing how much the girls love him I would never take away another person they love, as long as he is treating them the same. He and I are not a perfect couple and even when we aren't on good terms he asks about the girls and text Emma constantly. I don't post a lot about him and neither does he about me but we make it work and keep us between us, away from the girls. I feel his family will always be our family no matter how our relationship ends up. They have taken us under their wings and been there for us when our own family couldn't.

Darius did not have to stick around but he has and he has done the best he can with not only being in a step parents position but as someone trying to help us get through our grief.  He and his family are extremely understanding when it comes to us missing Dink. Ill be forever grateful to Him and his family for just being there when we needed and understanding.

1144 Days

As of today (May 3, 2016)  I have gone 2 years without my husband, father of my children, shoulder to cry on, person to lean on, and best friend. That's 730 days Emma has had to go without her daddy, hero, buddy, and biggest fan. Not a day goes by that we don't miss him.

Took this pic of TK May 3, 2016.

I tried updating this twice so far. Make that 3 times. I have logged in threw the app on my phone and now on the web browser. And that's just today. I've been trying to update my blog for the last year and some change. I was kinda getting the feeling like it wasn't meant to be. But I'm gonna try and make it work. So far I've hit the save button 5 times so I hope it works lol. I've been trying to update throughout the year like on Father's Day and Dinks birthday, and the anniversary of this passing. This year makes 3 years.

Last year the anniversary wasn't as hard as this year. I don't even think I did anything that day. But this year sucked. Everything reminded me of Dink. I didn't tell the girls what day it was or why I was so sad. I was pretty down the whole week though. Luckily I had Darius there to pick up the slack. He did his best to make me feel better and he took care of the girls while I laid in bed. I was pretty useless. 

It's very true what they say, it comes in waves. Some days it's calm and your floating with a drink in your hand and other days your just struggling to keep from drowning.