2nd Grade

Today was a very emotional day. Today was Emma's first day of 2nd grade. The first day of school would normally start with us all getting up and getting ready to take Emma to school and take pictures. Dink would take off the day or the morning to make sure he could walk his baby into class and tell her how proud he was of her. She would always be ready and willing to go to her new adventure.

Today was not the case. Even though we had Tia, Mamaw, and PaPaw there for her she was scared. I then had to explain to the teacher that we just lost daddy in May and that Emma still has her moments. They are few and far between but she does. Emma came out and told me she was scared. My baby has never been scared to go to school or meet new friends but this time she was and it broke my heart a little more. I hate that my baby has to go threw this. It's not fair. I know she misses her daddy because she talkes about him. She tells me about how he use to make her laugh. She tells me the things she remembers. 

He should have been here to walk her to class. Or to hold me while we walk down the hall and let me cry to him about our baby growing up. Not only was I upset that she is getting bigger but that he was not there. I was upset that she was scared, and that I had to talk to her teacher to let her know that daddy was a sensitive and very fresh wound. This is not something a second grader should have to go threw. 

I talked to Emma about her day today and it helped that she told me she had fun and to see her smiling when I asked about her day. She even told me she ate two chicken nuggets and 2.5 slices of apple today. My baby eats like a bird. She even decided to go back to Karate School. I had them pick her up from school like they did before and she told me how she wasn't the only one that rode the van and that she had fun playing once they got there. 

Karate was her and daddy's thing. He got off work just early enough to get to the karate school as they were dressing for karate class. Dink would watch every class and practice with Emma all the time. They both loved karate movies and would watch Bruce Lee all the time. I wanted her to be in Ballet and she wanted to be in Karate. I was so worried once Dink passed that Emma wouldn't want to do karate any more because it was their thing. I'm so happy she has decided to go back and pick up where she left off. 

I want more than anything for my baby girl to be happy. Our therapist said kids bounce back faster and that she can tell Emma is well loved and will be just fine. I was happy to hear that but I still worry. It may be that I'm a mom but I want her to be as happy as she can be all things considered. 

Now on to me... My day was ok. Today was my first day of maternity leave and I had absolutely no idea what to do with myself for the day. After coming home from dropping off Emma I cried to myself in my room, took the dogs out to play and potty, then I came inside and sat on my bed wondering what to do. I answered two work emails then saw my dog sleeping next to me. I decided that's what I should do and took a nap. I got a phone call from my mom and one from work and one from a friend. I guess I should let people know I'm sleeping so they will leave me alone. 

After my nap a had a nice lunch with my sister. I ate ribs that were to die for and had a good conversation. I talked about dink and how he would cater to me while I was sick at the begening of this pregnancy. Fighting off the tears was hard but I managed. I would give anything to have him here to cater to me. Hell I would give anything to have him here for me to cater to him. 

After lunch I went to the mall to get Emma a pair of boots she really wanted yet they didn't have them any more. I decided to walk around as much as I could to try and work this baby out. First I walked the mall then I walked a strip center on the way back to the house then I walked petco. I should not have gone in because the clearance rack was like a light and I was a moth. I ended up getting the dogs some toys and the rat some treats and a leash/ harness that was too big. Emma was upset so now I'm on a mission to find her one that will fit so she can walk her rat. After all that I had therapy. 

I love my therapist and Emma loves her too. It's not really comin for a parent and child to have the same therapist but it was ok with Emma that I used her and she seemed more interested I what I had to say. I had another therapist that just looked at me like a statue. It was like she didn't even care what I had to say. She looked at me blankly as if she was bored and just wanted the paycheck for being there. So I switched and I couldn't be happier with my decision. She has told me I am doing the right things with Emma and that I am strong. I keep getting told that by everyone yet I don't feel it. 

I feel weak and stuck. I feel lost without him. He told me things that would keep me going or that I needed to hear. I miss how understanding he was yet he didn't let things or people get to him. I could really use some of his strength right now. It's getting so close to the time to have TK join us and like I said I am terrified. I'm terrified yet so very excited. I want to hold her and kiss her and tell her how much she is loved. She is my last little present from him and and I just can't wait to get her in my arms. I know she is going to look like him and I hope she does. Emma already is a little piece of him so now I'll have two. 

Cheer

I'm sitting here waiting for Emma's first game of the season to start. Dink was always so proud of Emma. I miss seeing him practicing cheers with the girls and him running to get them drinks and food. He was the team dad. At practices he would stand in the middle of the street when the girls were marching to their practice spot to block the cars. I always loved how involved he was. He made sure all the girls had what they needed. One time he gave up his shirt and towel to dry off the benches for the girls when it was raining. 

There are so many things I miss and it just makes things hard. This morning I told Emma daddy was watching and she needed to give her big smile so he could see. She said she knows he is watching and she has been giving a big smile. When she would lose her smile he would smile really big and point to his cheeks. Emma said she misses her daddy and all I could say was that he is watching and to do a good job to make him proud. 

Up early thinking

Last week seemed like it was a short week. With the baby shower on Saturday there was lots to do threw out the week to keep me busy. It feels like when I stay busy I get upset less because I don't have time to stop and think. Nights are especially hard though because I can't sleep and when I'm laying in bed waiting to fall asleep I have all the time in the world to think. Driving in the car is also hard. Dink was my driver. He would always joke about having to drive Mrs. Daisy around. 

When I was in the 5th grade my great grandmother passed away. I was devastated and she asked for me yet I didn't go to see her. I regret that every day and even now. Well one day at school I saw her standing at the front of the class just waiving at me as if to say good bye. When I saw her it wasn't like a ghost or a transparent version of her. It was like seeing an outline. Almost like a coloring book version but instead of the black lines it was light. Almost like floating glitter. I know it may sound crazy but I know what I saw and after seeing her at school that day I got a sort of peace knowing she was ok and not hurting and she wasn't mad at me for not going up to see her. She just wanted to see me before she left. 

The reason this is relevant is because I saw the same kind of outline or sparkle in the front passenger seat of my car yesterday. Weather it have been Dink or just my imagination, it made me feel good. As if he was there ridding in the car with me. I got this happy feeling and I smiled, a real smile. I miss him driving me around. I miss having him to talk to or to just hold me while we are riding in the car. Even when we had the standard he would hold my hand and try and drive with one hand. The gears would get a little messed up and the shifting would not be very smooth but he would refuse to let go of me. 

Friday morning I woke up from a nightmare where I caught Dink cheating on me. It messed up my hole morning and made all the hurt come back. I had several people tell me he loved me too much and would never but it's always good to hear it from that person. When I would have those dreams before I would wake him up so he could reassure me of his love and hold me till I fell back asleep. I don't have that. In my widow groups and in articles I have read I have found out that when you see your spouce in your dreams that's them coming to visit you. Up till Friday all mine with Dink have been plesent. Why would he come to me like that? Why would he show me that? 

I posted my dream in my groups and aske if anyone else had experienced that. Several have said they have and that I should look it up. One lady said that I could be subconsciously mad at him and my mind is trying to mace sence of it and make a reason for me to be mad. But I know I am mad and I know why I am mad. I'm mad that he left me and the girls. I'm mad that he would be so careless, I'm mad that I have to do this alone, I'm mad at myself for not making him go to the party, and I'm mad that he was playing with that stupid gun. I am mad and I know exactly why I'm mad.

Another lady said it could be his way of trying to tell me to go be happy and that it's easier to do that if I'm mad at him. She asked what I was thinking about or doing before I went to bed and I had to stop and think. On my way home Thursday evening I cried almost the hole way home. I saw an older man with his grand daughter riding their bikes. Every time I would see elderly I would think about OUR future. But when I saw the old man when I tried to think of my future all I got was a blank. 

Nothing, I saw nothing. It just hit me that I might be alone the rest of my life. I won't have anyone to grow old with. No more adventures or trips to places we had not seen. Just nothing. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I hate the sight of couples. It is so painfull to see people so happy together. I know it's not right to feel that way but I can't help it. It's just how I feel. 

Back to my dream. The lady in my group said that due to how I felt the night before that may have been him trying to tell me he wants me to try and be happy. I know he would want me to be happy because he just wanted everyone to be happy. But why would he do it like that? That is hurtful and doesn't make me happy to see but he did do several things that didn't make sence to me. 

Friday was long and after starting off so bad it ended pretty well. I got a good laugh at work then met up with friends and my sister to decorate for the baby shower. Saturday came quick and time seemed to fly in the morning. The baby shower was great. We got tons of stuff and had lots of fun. TK won't have to wear the same outfit twice and now I'm having trouble trying to figure out what to put on her in the hospital. 

My friend Wendy was so worried about the shower not being perfect but it turned out way better then I had ever expected. It looked beautiful and was tons of fun. Emma had a blast and Wendy even had a piñata for the kids. We has craft stations and a photo booth. Wendy even had a friend of hers come do photographing of the event. I can't wait to see all the pictures. 

Sunday flew by. My mom, Emma, and I did some school shoping and had lunch. Then we rested and tried to go threw as much baby stuff as we could. The house is literally over run with baby items. My mom is feeling pretty overwhelmed and I'm to dang tired to go threw any more. I really need to pack for the hospital and pack Emma's clothes too. She will be staying with some friends when the baby is born. She said she wants to be the first to see her baby sister but she does not want to see her be born. 

I am getting things in order for my leave at work. I have my bag half way packed for the hospital and I have talked with my boss and he decided the 22 would be my last day. I wanted to stay till the day of but he is right and it wouldn't be fair for all of that to be up in the air. And at least this way I will have a week off before TK is born. I can take Emma to school for the first day of school and try and get last minute preparations in order. That's if she doesn't decide to come early.

I am so excited and ready for TK to be here. She is my last little gift from Dink. I am also terrified to do this without him. I don't know how ladies do this without the fathers all the time but I give them props. I don't want her to come without her daddy here. I want him to hold my hand while I am in pain and to rub my head. I want to see the excitement on his face. I am going to be missing all that and more. I will have the best support group there to help me threw and I know I will be ok but it's just not the same. I'm scared more so this time then I was with Emma. I just hope and pray for a quick and easy delivery and a speedy recovery. 

Another Light

Today marks my 3 month mark. I have been more emotional the last two days and have cried a few more times a day the last few days. I think Emma can tell as well because she finally broke down. I think I have only seen her cry about her daddy twice. Both her therapist and myself told her it was ok. It took her a while but she finally did and I think it may have helped us both.

We were in the car on our way home Friday night at 11 o'clock at night and she started talking about her daddy. Normally when she talked about her daddy you could hear the "Happy" in her voice but this time was different. She stared out the window with tears in her eyes. She was trying to hold it back. I had to remind her that it was ok to be sad and crying is a good thing to let the sad out. I told her to go ahead and cry and she could tell me anything she wanted. So she did. She told me her daddy was a good daddy and that she missed him. She told me that he was her favorite and that she was his favorite too. I had to tell her she will allways be his favorite and that he loves her and the baby so much. Then I told her to be thankfull she had a good daddy. I told her to be happy that she had him as long as she did. 

This week in one of my Widows groups a lady posted a post that asked us to comment what we are thankfull for. Too often did we all post something that we were upset about or that was going wrong. She said that she thought it would be a good thing for all of us and I agreed. Her post made me think and I think she posted it for some cosmic reason. The last time Emma got upset I didn't know what to say, but this time I did. I told her to be thankfull. I told her that there are some kids that have crappy daddies or daddies that are mean. I told her she was lucky to have such a wonderful role model. She agreed and that seemed to make both her and I feel better. 

I know I am very thankfull to have even met him. I'm thankfull for the love he showed me and the passion he had for everything he loved. I was told just yesterday that there are people that would be jealous of the love we had. With the things I had experience when I was young I didn't even think the love we had existed. I thought it was a fairy tail. I am so thankfull that it was not. I am thankfull that he showed me what a husband should be. For him being there every time I needed him and even when I didn't need or want him to be. I'm thankfull for the person he made me. Before him I was very hateful twatds men in general and my mom and pretty much everyone. He made me see the error in my ways. He made me realize how important he was and my family.

I'm thankfull for the health and happiness of Emma. I am thankfull I did not lose TK when all this happend. I was afraid I would miscarriage and that I would lose her as well as him. Now with a little over 4 weeks left I just hope she is healthy. I am thankfull for all the love and support I have received. I am thankfull to have family to pick me up, and friends to cry too. I am thankfull for my support system because I know when Dink passed I wanted to give up but my friends and family wouldn't give up on me. I am thankfull I have Emma and TK. They are the reasons everyone kept and keep telling me to keep going. I am thankfull for this pregnancy. Both because we tried so hard for another and we didn't think it would happen and because I think I would be in a darker place right now. All I wanted to do a few weeks after was drink myself into oblivion, or maybe not because I have Emma. I am thankfull to have gotten rid of the two broken cars that we were constantly working on to have one reliable car to bring my new love home from the hospital. I'm thankfull for the people that have donated their time, money, and thoughts to my family. Thanks to them my bills are caught up and I don't have to worrie about that. I am thankfull for the health of my dad. Even though he has been in the hospital three times since Dink's passing at least he is still here to fight another day.  I'm thankfull he has decided to stay here where he belongs instead of going back to Ohio. I'm thankfull Dink was able to do all the things we had been able to do. For him to come from a large poor family and a very very small town he got to really experience life and I'm glad I was able to do it with him. 

I could go on and on about the things I am thankfull for but I am getting tired again. My sleep has never been the same and we all know why. I want you to know that I am thankfull to you. If you read this you care enough to want to know how I'm doing. You have probably given me some words to help me threw my day or done something to give me the extra push. So thank you.