Our first Christmas without

Today is Christmas Eve and I feel like I ran into a wall. My emotions just hit me like a ton of bricks. I am just realizing that I will be doing Christmas without Dink and without my dad. My Dads side of the family have decided they don't feel like celebrating Christmas and I understand why and Emma has hit bottom. Her therapist has always told me she was doing well and she was healing well yet with the loss of her grandfather she is no longer doing so well.

My little family and I have lost so much and now are doing without so much i don't really know how we are still going. On Thanksgiving day we lost one of our puppies. I was extremely upset because he was a Valentines gift from Dink. Then that evening my dad took a turn for the worse. I was sitting with him eating Thanksgiving dinner and he looked tired all of a sudden. Then his arm started hurting him and my uncle told him to go to the ER right away. My dad looked at me and said "Well this is it". I did not ever want to hear that from him. I hugged him and kissed him and even went out to the car to tell him bye again and he told me not to worry and I would see him later. He told me to go visit my family in Louisiana and i would see him when i got back. I did get to see him yet it was in the hospital and he was not always coherent. My daddy passed away on 12-13-14. Im not sure if he planned that out with it being a special date but seamed fitting.

Last night we went to have diner with my Grandpa and it was painful to be sitting there with the girls and my family with no Dink. I trudged threw it and was OK, or i thought i was OK. On my way back home my step mom called to remind me that her family is still doing Christmas eve and she would like us to come. I had already planned on it and told her we would be there.

Now here it is Christmas Eve and everything is hitting me at once. Every year we spend Christmas eve with my Dad and step mom at her family's Christmas eve party. This year i will be going without my husband and my Dad wont be there. I wanted this to be the best Christmas for my girls but i don't know if im going to be able to hold myself together long enough to let them enjoy it. i have only been at work about an hour and have not stopped crying for more than a few minutes. The holidays were my favorite time of the year and now i just don't know what to do with myself.

Why

I haven't written in a while and it's because my life has been going by so easily and smoothly. Things seem to be looking up. I started going back to school in October, Emma has been doing well in school, life with a newborn is heck tick yet rewarding, and I purchased a home for us in the exact neighborhood I wanted it to be in. On the weekends I have been going out with friends again and having fun. 

I thought all those were things I needed to do. Dinkie always wanted me to not stress and enjoy what was going on right then and there so I have been. The girls are fantastic and I even got Roxie back from the shelter. I have been feeling great to say the least. 

I have heard from several people and in articles that grief is like being in the ocean. You get beat down by the waves but when the storm dies the waves get smaller and further in between yet they never fully go away. Well I agree with that fully. I was still having my waves but they were better and easier to weather. But I had a storm come threw this last week. 

I got a phone call Tuesday from my step mom saying my grandmother was not doing well and that my sister and I needed to go see her right away. She just had her 80th birthday earlier in the month. My sister and I went right away and spent a few hours with her. It was awful to see her like that and it hurt so bad that I didn't have Dink to help me threw it . It hurt to see all my aunts and uncles with thier partners consoling them and there I was in a chair all alone. Not only did I have that pain but I was losing yet another loved one only 6 months later. Her breathing was heavy and the sound brought me straight back to the sound of Dink's breathing when I found him. It hurt to have to have that memory and vision come rushing back. My storm just started all over again. 

My sister and I went back to the home to visit my grandmother Wednesday evening then Thursday night at 11:11 I got a phone call from my cousin letting me know she had passed. Even though I knew it was coming and I know she is no longer straining it hurts to have lost yet another person I love. 

Not only did I lose someone I love but my hole family did. My dads birthday was on Friday and he lost his mother the night before. I can't even imagine how painful that was. We didn't celebrate his birthday and pretty much everyone did their own thing. He spent his birthday at the hospital having treatments done for his cancer. 

Friday evening and Saturday morning I went to a Woman's conference with a very good friend of mine. After the conference we went to anothe friends for her so 's birthday and stayed the night and had a blast. Sunday I had a family gathering at my new place to celebrate my Dad's, Aunt's, and Uncle's birthdays. Not only did we celebrate birthdays but we had to discuss my grandmother and what will be happening with her. That was a hard thing to even listen to. 

But before anyone arrived my dad came early to cook. It was both my sister and I there cleaning and my dad cooking. I was in the babies room when I heard my dad calling. He told both my sister and I that he got news from the doctor that his cancer was winning the battle. He explained that he will be quitting dyalisis when he goes into the hospital and that will spend things up as well. 

Yet another storm that has hit my tiny boat. I am trying my hardest to not have my boat tip because I have my girls to think about. I was so happy that things were going well and now my world is falling apart again. I am losing yet another person I love. Did I do something terrible that I deserve this grief in my life? How am I supposed to heal when my wound keeps getting ripped back open? 

Tyra Katalina

This morning at 3:17 my angel TK made a week old. I feel like I waited forever to see her and hold her. She is exactly what I expected her to be.  I was so afraid of her delivery without Dink but the closer it got to my due date all I could think about was how much I wanted to hold and kiss her. The excitement overpowered my fear and anxiety about Dink not being there.

I started having contractions Saturday morning around 3:30am. Emma had a game to cheer at so we went to that at 8. After the game I went home and thought I would be able to rest before going to the hospital. I saw blood in my urine so we left right away. My contractions weren't heavy enough and I was only 2cm dilated so they sent me home and told me to come back if the contractions get worse or my water breaks.

We went home and ate lunch and I tried to nap a little. After a while I felt a pop and what I thought was my water breaking. We went back to the hospital and found out it wasn't my water. They told me I could stay and be induced and I didn't want that so I went home. 

My contractions got harder and harder. My mom wanted to take a nap so I told her to go ahead. By the time my mom woke up the contractions were so hard I could nearly remember to breath threw them. She said she had enough and packed me into the car. By the time we made it to the hospital I was 6cm dilated and in so much pain I couldn't talk. The nurses got all my info and called the anesthesiologist to do my epidural. 

I had my mom, sister, and mother in-law in the room with me. I made sure to pack a picture of Dinkie and had my mom hang my necklace from the picture frame when they told me I needed to take off my jewelry. I wanted him to be a part of bringing our daughter into the world. I made sure he was there some how.

The delivery went smoothly and when I saw TK i was so relived to see she was healthy. After the shock of seeing her and all the pushing was over all I could do was cry. I was upset he wasn't there. I wanted to see him hold TK and dance around the room like he did with Emma. We both worked so hard to get TK. It took us almost a year to get pregnant and now I don't have my partner to enjoy it with me.  

After TK was born the nurses asked me about her daddy and I had already answered that question when they admitted me. It hurt so bad to be constantly reminded of his absence. Not only did they ask me but when I was answering the questions for her birth certificate I had to answer the same questions again. The lady asked my marital status and I had to say widowed. Then she asked about TKs father and I had to remind her that I just said I was widowed. She said sorry then asked if I want him on the birth certificate. What kind of question is that? 

I was released from the hospital Monday afternoon and have had a good first week at home. Emma is a great big sister and I am more happy than I ever expected to be. Just seeing TK makes me happy. She is my last little gift Dinkie gave me and I'm just so glad she is finnaly here.

Thursday was TK's first doctors appointment and we visited my moms job to say hi. Saturday was TK's first birthday party and she decided it would be cool to poop all up the back of her diaper. So she got a whipey bath and a hair rinse at the party. Also today was her first trip to the grocery store. She slept threw the hole thing.

I didn't think it was posible to be this happy again. Having TK here is so wonderful. I love to see how Emma is with her and it makes me feel great. Emma is the best big sister. I know my girls are what keeps me going and now that they are both here together it just helps even more. 

The 3rd again

Yesterday was the 3rd yet again. It's hard to imagin it's been 4 months since I saw Dink. For the last three months around the 3rd I would get upset and stay in bed an cry. I decided yesterday was going to be different. 

When I woke up yesterday I was worried that TK would come. I really didn't want her to be born on the 3rd of any month. I have not had any contractions and I have not had any changes so I was pretty sure she wouldn't come yesterday.

I started my day by taking a shower then I went to the bank. After the bank I went to San Jac to see about going back to school. I want to get out of the job I'm at and be able to provide more for my girls. After San Jac I took my grandmother to the grocery store. I got home with just enough time to sit in bed and put another coat of glitter on TKs shoes. After that I had a therapy appointment and went home to spent a little time with Emma and have her read to me before bed. 

I didn't want to give myself time to be upset that it was the third. If I did I would have laid in bed and cried all day and that's just not healthy. Dink would not want me to do that and I need to be healthy both mentally and physically for our girls. Everyone tells me to think about what Dink would say or do and I know he wouldn't want me to lay around in bed crying. He would tell me that things will get better and that they always do. So I am going to try and remember that when I get upset.

I don't think there will ever be a day that I don't think of Dink. I miss him like crazy but I have the feeling like he is with me some how. 

2nd Grade

Today was a very emotional day. Today was Emma's first day of 2nd grade. The first day of school would normally start with us all getting up and getting ready to take Emma to school and take pictures. Dink would take off the day or the morning to make sure he could walk his baby into class and tell her how proud he was of her. She would always be ready and willing to go to her new adventure.

Today was not the case. Even though we had Tia, Mamaw, and PaPaw there for her she was scared. I then had to explain to the teacher that we just lost daddy in May and that Emma still has her moments. They are few and far between but she does. Emma came out and told me she was scared. My baby has never been scared to go to school or meet new friends but this time she was and it broke my heart a little more. I hate that my baby has to go threw this. It's not fair. I know she misses her daddy because she talkes about him. She tells me about how he use to make her laugh. She tells me the things she remembers. 

He should have been here to walk her to class. Or to hold me while we walk down the hall and let me cry to him about our baby growing up. Not only was I upset that she is getting bigger but that he was not there. I was upset that she was scared, and that I had to talk to her teacher to let her know that daddy was a sensitive and very fresh wound. This is not something a second grader should have to go threw. 

I talked to Emma about her day today and it helped that she told me she had fun and to see her smiling when I asked about her day. She even told me she ate two chicken nuggets and 2.5 slices of apple today. My baby eats like a bird. She even decided to go back to Karate School. I had them pick her up from school like they did before and she told me how she wasn't the only one that rode the van and that she had fun playing once they got there. 

Karate was her and daddy's thing. He got off work just early enough to get to the karate school as they were dressing for karate class. Dink would watch every class and practice with Emma all the time. They both loved karate movies and would watch Bruce Lee all the time. I wanted her to be in Ballet and she wanted to be in Karate. I was so worried once Dink passed that Emma wouldn't want to do karate any more because it was their thing. I'm so happy she has decided to go back and pick up where she left off. 

I want more than anything for my baby girl to be happy. Our therapist said kids bounce back faster and that she can tell Emma is well loved and will be just fine. I was happy to hear that but I still worry. It may be that I'm a mom but I want her to be as happy as she can be all things considered. 

Now on to me... My day was ok. Today was my first day of maternity leave and I had absolutely no idea what to do with myself for the day. After coming home from dropping off Emma I cried to myself in my room, took the dogs out to play and potty, then I came inside and sat on my bed wondering what to do. I answered two work emails then saw my dog sleeping next to me. I decided that's what I should do and took a nap. I got a phone call from my mom and one from work and one from a friend. I guess I should let people know I'm sleeping so they will leave me alone. 

After my nap a had a nice lunch with my sister. I ate ribs that were to die for and had a good conversation. I talked about dink and how he would cater to me while I was sick at the begening of this pregnancy. Fighting off the tears was hard but I managed. I would give anything to have him here to cater to me. Hell I would give anything to have him here for me to cater to him. 

After lunch I went to the mall to get Emma a pair of boots she really wanted yet they didn't have them any more. I decided to walk around as much as I could to try and work this baby out. First I walked the mall then I walked a strip center on the way back to the house then I walked petco. I should not have gone in because the clearance rack was like a light and I was a moth. I ended up getting the dogs some toys and the rat some treats and a leash/ harness that was too big. Emma was upset so now I'm on a mission to find her one that will fit so she can walk her rat. After all that I had therapy. 

I love my therapist and Emma loves her too. It's not really comin for a parent and child to have the same therapist but it was ok with Emma that I used her and she seemed more interested I what I had to say. I had another therapist that just looked at me like a statue. It was like she didn't even care what I had to say. She looked at me blankly as if she was bored and just wanted the paycheck for being there. So I switched and I couldn't be happier with my decision. She has told me I am doing the right things with Emma and that I am strong. I keep getting told that by everyone yet I don't feel it. 

I feel weak and stuck. I feel lost without him. He told me things that would keep me going or that I needed to hear. I miss how understanding he was yet he didn't let things or people get to him. I could really use some of his strength right now. It's getting so close to the time to have TK join us and like I said I am terrified. I'm terrified yet so very excited. I want to hold her and kiss her and tell her how much she is loved. She is my last little present from him and and I just can't wait to get her in my arms. I know she is going to look like him and I hope she does. Emma already is a little piece of him so now I'll have two. 

Cheer

I'm sitting here waiting for Emma's first game of the season to start. Dink was always so proud of Emma. I miss seeing him practicing cheers with the girls and him running to get them drinks and food. He was the team dad. At practices he would stand in the middle of the street when the girls were marching to their practice spot to block the cars. I always loved how involved he was. He made sure all the girls had what they needed. One time he gave up his shirt and towel to dry off the benches for the girls when it was raining. 

There are so many things I miss and it just makes things hard. This morning I told Emma daddy was watching and she needed to give her big smile so he could see. She said she knows he is watching and she has been giving a big smile. When she would lose her smile he would smile really big and point to his cheeks. Emma said she misses her daddy and all I could say was that he is watching and to do a good job to make him proud. 

Up early thinking

Last week seemed like it was a short week. With the baby shower on Saturday there was lots to do threw out the week to keep me busy. It feels like when I stay busy I get upset less because I don't have time to stop and think. Nights are especially hard though because I can't sleep and when I'm laying in bed waiting to fall asleep I have all the time in the world to think. Driving in the car is also hard. Dink was my driver. He would always joke about having to drive Mrs. Daisy around. 

When I was in the 5th grade my great grandmother passed away. I was devastated and she asked for me yet I didn't go to see her. I regret that every day and even now. Well one day at school I saw her standing at the front of the class just waiving at me as if to say good bye. When I saw her it wasn't like a ghost or a transparent version of her. It was like seeing an outline. Almost like a coloring book version but instead of the black lines it was light. Almost like floating glitter. I know it may sound crazy but I know what I saw and after seeing her at school that day I got a sort of peace knowing she was ok and not hurting and she wasn't mad at me for not going up to see her. She just wanted to see me before she left. 

The reason this is relevant is because I saw the same kind of outline or sparkle in the front passenger seat of my car yesterday. Weather it have been Dink or just my imagination, it made me feel good. As if he was there ridding in the car with me. I got this happy feeling and I smiled, a real smile. I miss him driving me around. I miss having him to talk to or to just hold me while we are riding in the car. Even when we had the standard he would hold my hand and try and drive with one hand. The gears would get a little messed up and the shifting would not be very smooth but he would refuse to let go of me. 

Friday morning I woke up from a nightmare where I caught Dink cheating on me. It messed up my hole morning and made all the hurt come back. I had several people tell me he loved me too much and would never but it's always good to hear it from that person. When I would have those dreams before I would wake him up so he could reassure me of his love and hold me till I fell back asleep. I don't have that. In my widow groups and in articles I have read I have found out that when you see your spouce in your dreams that's them coming to visit you. Up till Friday all mine with Dink have been plesent. Why would he come to me like that? Why would he show me that? 

I posted my dream in my groups and aske if anyone else had experienced that. Several have said they have and that I should look it up. One lady said that I could be subconsciously mad at him and my mind is trying to mace sence of it and make a reason for me to be mad. But I know I am mad and I know why I am mad. I'm mad that he left me and the girls. I'm mad that he would be so careless, I'm mad that I have to do this alone, I'm mad at myself for not making him go to the party, and I'm mad that he was playing with that stupid gun. I am mad and I know exactly why I'm mad.

Another lady said it could be his way of trying to tell me to go be happy and that it's easier to do that if I'm mad at him. She asked what I was thinking about or doing before I went to bed and I had to stop and think. On my way home Thursday evening I cried almost the hole way home. I saw an older man with his grand daughter riding their bikes. Every time I would see elderly I would think about OUR future. But when I saw the old man when I tried to think of my future all I got was a blank. 

Nothing, I saw nothing. It just hit me that I might be alone the rest of my life. I won't have anyone to grow old with. No more adventures or trips to places we had not seen. Just nothing. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. I hate the sight of couples. It is so painfull to see people so happy together. I know it's not right to feel that way but I can't help it. It's just how I feel. 

Back to my dream. The lady in my group said that due to how I felt the night before that may have been him trying to tell me he wants me to try and be happy. I know he would want me to be happy because he just wanted everyone to be happy. But why would he do it like that? That is hurtful and doesn't make me happy to see but he did do several things that didn't make sence to me. 

Friday was long and after starting off so bad it ended pretty well. I got a good laugh at work then met up with friends and my sister to decorate for the baby shower. Saturday came quick and time seemed to fly in the morning. The baby shower was great. We got tons of stuff and had lots of fun. TK won't have to wear the same outfit twice and now I'm having trouble trying to figure out what to put on her in the hospital. 

My friend Wendy was so worried about the shower not being perfect but it turned out way better then I had ever expected. It looked beautiful and was tons of fun. Emma had a blast and Wendy even had a piñata for the kids. We has craft stations and a photo booth. Wendy even had a friend of hers come do photographing of the event. I can't wait to see all the pictures. 

Sunday flew by. My mom, Emma, and I did some school shoping and had lunch. Then we rested and tried to go threw as much baby stuff as we could. The house is literally over run with baby items. My mom is feeling pretty overwhelmed and I'm to dang tired to go threw any more. I really need to pack for the hospital and pack Emma's clothes too. She will be staying with some friends when the baby is born. She said she wants to be the first to see her baby sister but she does not want to see her be born. 

I am getting things in order for my leave at work. I have my bag half way packed for the hospital and I have talked with my boss and he decided the 22 would be my last day. I wanted to stay till the day of but he is right and it wouldn't be fair for all of that to be up in the air. And at least this way I will have a week off before TK is born. I can take Emma to school for the first day of school and try and get last minute preparations in order. That's if she doesn't decide to come early.

I am so excited and ready for TK to be here. She is my last little gift from Dink. I am also terrified to do this without him. I don't know how ladies do this without the fathers all the time but I give them props. I don't want her to come without her daddy here. I want him to hold my hand while I am in pain and to rub my head. I want to see the excitement on his face. I am going to be missing all that and more. I will have the best support group there to help me threw and I know I will be ok but it's just not the same. I'm scared more so this time then I was with Emma. I just hope and pray for a quick and easy delivery and a speedy recovery. 

Another Light

Today marks my 3 month mark. I have been more emotional the last two days and have cried a few more times a day the last few days. I think Emma can tell as well because she finally broke down. I think I have only seen her cry about her daddy twice. Both her therapist and myself told her it was ok. It took her a while but she finally did and I think it may have helped us both.

We were in the car on our way home Friday night at 11 o'clock at night and she started talking about her daddy. Normally when she talked about her daddy you could hear the "Happy" in her voice but this time was different. She stared out the window with tears in her eyes. She was trying to hold it back. I had to remind her that it was ok to be sad and crying is a good thing to let the sad out. I told her to go ahead and cry and she could tell me anything she wanted. So she did. She told me her daddy was a good daddy and that she missed him. She told me that he was her favorite and that she was his favorite too. I had to tell her she will allways be his favorite and that he loves her and the baby so much. Then I told her to be thankfull she had a good daddy. I told her to be happy that she had him as long as she did. 

This week in one of my Widows groups a lady posted a post that asked us to comment what we are thankfull for. Too often did we all post something that we were upset about or that was going wrong. She said that she thought it would be a good thing for all of us and I agreed. Her post made me think and I think she posted it for some cosmic reason. The last time Emma got upset I didn't know what to say, but this time I did. I told her to be thankfull. I told her that there are some kids that have crappy daddies or daddies that are mean. I told her she was lucky to have such a wonderful role model. She agreed and that seemed to make both her and I feel better. 

I know I am very thankfull to have even met him. I'm thankfull for the love he showed me and the passion he had for everything he loved. I was told just yesterday that there are people that would be jealous of the love we had. With the things I had experience when I was young I didn't even think the love we had existed. I thought it was a fairy tail. I am so thankfull that it was not. I am thankfull that he showed me what a husband should be. For him being there every time I needed him and even when I didn't need or want him to be. I'm thankfull for the person he made me. Before him I was very hateful twatds men in general and my mom and pretty much everyone. He made me see the error in my ways. He made me realize how important he was and my family.

I'm thankfull for the health and happiness of Emma. I am thankfull I did not lose TK when all this happend. I was afraid I would miscarriage and that I would lose her as well as him. Now with a little over 4 weeks left I just hope she is healthy. I am thankfull for all the love and support I have received. I am thankfull to have family to pick me up, and friends to cry too. I am thankfull for my support system because I know when Dink passed I wanted to give up but my friends and family wouldn't give up on me. I am thankfull I have Emma and TK. They are the reasons everyone kept and keep telling me to keep going. I am thankfull for this pregnancy. Both because we tried so hard for another and we didn't think it would happen and because I think I would be in a darker place right now. All I wanted to do a few weeks after was drink myself into oblivion, or maybe not because I have Emma. I am thankfull to have gotten rid of the two broken cars that we were constantly working on to have one reliable car to bring my new love home from the hospital. I'm thankfull for the people that have donated their time, money, and thoughts to my family. Thanks to them my bills are caught up and I don't have to worrie about that. I am thankfull for the health of my dad. Even though he has been in the hospital three times since Dink's passing at least he is still here to fight another day.  I'm thankfull he has decided to stay here where he belongs instead of going back to Ohio. I'm thankfull Dink was able to do all the things we had been able to do. For him to come from a large poor family and a very very small town he got to really experience life and I'm glad I was able to do it with him. 

I could go on and on about the things I am thankfull for but I am getting tired again. My sleep has never been the same and we all know why. I want you to know that I am thankfull to you. If you read this you care enough to want to know how I'm doing. You have probably given me some words to help me threw my day or done something to give me the extra push. So thank you.

What a world

I'm sitting here at the car wash having the company truck cleaned and I catch myself wanting to talk to Dink. When I would be sent on these trips weather to a customer or to sit and wait for the truck to be washed I would instinctively call Dink as soon as my phone hooked up to the truck Bluetooth. I would let him know where I was going and what I was doing. While sitting in the waiting room I could talk to him about anything and everything. I love how I could litteraly talk to him about anything no mater how wierd or gross it would be. He knew exactly what to say to make me laugh or no worry about whatever I was worried about. He knew how to make me feel better just with his words.

I miss getting his text every morning telling me he missed me or how much he loved me. I miss snuggling up to him in the mornings after he got up to get dressed. He would always make sure to get up with enough time to lay back down with me because he said when I would roll over and search for him in my sleep he thought it was adorable. I miss how he couldn't sleep with ought holding my pillow or my study animals he got me because he needed to be holding me to sleep.
I now sleep with that bear. I miss how he would rub my belly at night and I miss how he would snore in my ear. I miss the way he smells and the way he sleeps. I miss everything about him. He was the only person that could make me feel so beautifull all the time no mater how crappy I actually looked. I miss how he was so worry free and always said we would make it. 

He would always tell me that we should have fun and do what we want because he will alway make more money. He was very free spirited and wanted everyone to be happy and laughing. He loved to play jokes and have a good time. I love how adventurous he was and he was open to lots. Not everything but lots. He was able to do so much and he was greatful for every new experience. He often told me he never thought he would have done the tings he had. He was from a very small poor town that little to no one knows about yet he was able to get out there and experience life. When we met he had nothing but a small suitcase and what was in it. He made the best of what we had and was happy with it. He was always very greatful for everything. 

This weekend was the benefit and I know he is very greatful for everyone that showed up to help, donate, or just show support. It was very strange being on the other end of the fundraising event. As most of our family and friends know we did lots of volunteering and fundraising and just dedications ourselves to others and animals in need. He would have been so proud and so thankfull to everyone and everything. I know he would an I know I am. Emma didn't really understand what was going on but she did know she had lots of fun and that I was emotional. She aske me if I was ok several times. I tried to keep myself together for the most part and I think I did well. I had to excuse myself a few times to compose but I think I did well. 

Also on the day of the benefit I had to go up to the hospital to do the walk around and pre-register. There was a group of 14 and I was the only single mother. The tour guide knew what my situations was and I could tell that she had done the tour several times. She had it down and was use to saying DAD or DADDY several times and every time she did she would look at me with guilt in her eyes. She could tell I was being bothered by it and so could my mom. I had stepped back several times during the tour. 

I am compleatly terrified to do this without him. I know I won't be alone but I feel as if I'm doing this alone. I won't have him to hold my hand and tell me how beautiful I look while sweaty in pain and pushing. I won't have him to give TK bottles or change diapers. I will have sever other people but I won't get the joy of seein the father of my child struggle to put in a diaper. Mothers get a sweet joyous feeling seeing the man they love taking care of the child they made. I can't explain the joy I got out of just seeing him pm hold Emma or give her a diaper. Watching them practice softball or helping her read. It's just a mother thing that I'm going to miss and I already do. 

I have started making TK's baby book and I took Emma's out as a reference. Dinks handwriting was so beautiful and I had him fill most of the book out. I loved seeing the the things he wrote and how much love he put into it. He made sure to use pink for the things I said and blue for the things he said an black for something we both said. I wish he was here to do TK's book with me. I have Emma now and I know she will make some awesome pages. 

To get up, or not to get up.

I am finding I have to push myself threw every day. Some days I am pushing harder than others. Everyday things just seem pointless and meaningless to me. I know no one ever wants to get up in the morning but this is different. I just some times don't see the point in it. Most people work towards something, towards happiness. Since mine was taken away too soon I don't see what I'm working towards. Just taking a shower or brushing my teeth are struggles for me. I use to love the shower. I still like to sit I. The shower but it's not the same. I would have the radio on and realax and cry if I needed. Now I shower in silence and cry every time. Not because I need it but because I can't help myself. 

My mom wants me to get my room/ the baby's room together and ready. Most pregnant mothers have started the nesting stage by now and have gotten the roomed set up and ready to go. I still have all TK's things in boxes and buckets. I have tried several times to get some paint to paint a wall and to organize my room but I just can't seem to get enough motivation to fallow threw. 

If I didn't see Emma every morning I know I wouldn't do anything with my life. I would just be a blob in my bed. I miss him so much. I miss seeing him and Emma play and I miss the way he made me feel. I miss everything about him even the stuff that made me mad. 

7-13-14

Emma's 7th birthday party was this Saturday. It was hard on both of us. Emma seamed withdrawn and didn't really get in to the swing of things till I made her open her presents. What kind of kid doesn't want to open presents? I think she was upset and she didn't want to tell anyone. I tried to get her to go on the slide or go out and play but she just wanted to sit inside and watch tv. After presents we did cake and then I convinced her to go play. I wish there was more I could have done to make it better. She misses Dink deeply as do I. We stayed the night and when we woke up we talked about daddy and how he would smile when I kissed him. Every time I kissed Emma she would smile a little and we would both laugh. She remembered he would play dead then when she kissed him he would wake up and hug her. She was his savior. 

Yestersay was a pretty chill day. We packed all Emma's presents into my car and took them home. I had a massage scheduled because I knew I would be stressed from the party. I went to the massage then came home and we all took a little nap. When we woke up Emma and I went to have dinner with my dad. We went home a little after 8 and Emma went to sleep fairly easily. 

I on the other hand could not rest. I ended up watching tv till 1 then trying to force myself to sleep. I slept a little but all I could think about was Dink. I tost and turned and got up to walk around two times because I just couldn't sleep. I miss him next to me. When I had sleepless nights like that he would always rub my back or comb his fingers threw my hair and rub my face till I fell asleep. I am so sleepy and so miserable. I want my love back. I want back all the things that drove me crazy. I miss him snorting in my ear, I miss the dragon breath I would smell in the mornings. I miss him rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I miss begging him to go into work a little later so we could snuggle. I miss all the affection he would give me. I don't know exactly what I feel but I know it's close to bein lost and alone. 

I can't help but think that this is not fair. I wanted Emma to have the best dad and she did for 6 short years. How is that fair to her. I am afraid she will forget him. It's not fair that TK won't even know him. She will only know what we tell her. Emma's first word was Dada, what will TK's be? I want him back not only for me but for my girls. He made us smile when we needed to even if we didn't want to. 

Sometimes I think this would all be easier if he was a jerk. If he wouldn't have been so awesome I could just resent him and only be sad that my girls didn't have a good dad. But since he was such a great father, husband, friend, and all around person I think it makes it so much harder. Why would God give us somethig so wonderful just to take it away? 

I feel guilty for buying him what he wanted for his birthday, my boss feels guilty to talking to him about guns, my mom feels guilty for not staying there with him. Why must we all feel like this is some how our fault? I feel like I took my daughters father away from them and I got rid of what made me the happiest. 

Now with the benefit nearig I feel guilty for getting a new car. I used the hole check to get me and the girls a reliable means of transportation. Both cars Dink and I owned decided to die on me too. Mine won't move and Dink's will over heat by the time I get down 5 blocks. Being 8 months pregnant I thought the responsible thing to do would be to get one that I can drive to work and Emma to school and ever get myself to the hospital an home with my new baby. But all I feel is guilt because I used what I got and I only got it because the person I love most is no longer here. How can I be happy about getting a new car when this is what I have to go threw toget it? The benefit is to help raise money to help raise my girls but I feel guilty even having it. I am always the one on te other side of these things and how can I get this money from this but I just spent what I did have on a car? Was I doing the right thing? Was I wrong for buying the car? 

I just don't know what to feel or do. I feel like I am lost in a maze and everything I think I see a light to get out it's just a mirror that I run into. I am lost, afraid, and even though I have tons of support I feel so alone. I read somewhere that grief is like being stuck in the ocean. The begening of the storm drowns you in wave after wave of emotions and you feel helpless. The. The waters calm but there are alway and forever the waves that like to come back. Some are small and some feel like the initial storm itself. I compleatly agree with that. I feel like I'm drowning most of the time. And my main priority to to keep Emma and TK afloat but I know they are the ones keeping me afloat. 

5th Wedding Aniversary, 2months gone, July 4th weekend

I have been trying to blog about this week since Saturday. I have been trying to keep busy because when I am I cry less and I tend to try and enjoy myself, even though I feel guilty for doing so. I have all these random emotions that I can’t quite keep under control. I am sad then happy then very angry then happy then mad at myself for being happy. I guess a part of me feels that, I shouldn’t feel happy with him not here and when I do, I fell bad or get mad at him for doing this to me. A friend of mine told me not to feel guilty and that he would want me to be happy and he wants to see my smile. I agree but I still can’t help feeling the way I do. This is not how I wanted my life to go or the life of my kids to start out.

Tuesday was my 5^th wedding anniversary and pretty much just a bad day all around. I cried almost all day and I even got in trouble at work for not being on top of my game. My boss knew what day it was and how it would affect me because I told him last week I was terrified of that day. He said that he didn’t understand how I could be doing so well then not at all. I had to explain to him that I try and keep my composure at work because I am at work. I told him I’m not doing well and I just hide that from everyone I can. After my horrible day at work I went to the mall with my mom, sister, and Emma. We walked around some; bought Emma a dress and jacket, ate, and got cookies. I think I cried as much that day as I did the day he left.

Wednesday and Thursday went by as a normal day except we were very busy at work due to the holiday. After work on Thursday I was on my way to a friend to go out for the weekend. They live about an hour away and I didn’t pack the night before like I had planned because I was too tired. I forgot Emma’s Medicine so I had to turn around and go back to meet my mom to get it. Then we stopped at the hospital t visit my dad. Emma loves spending time with him. We just sat in the hospital room and watched a movie while eating some dinner.  We got to my friends around 11 that night and I was so tired and I knew we needed to get up early to get a head start on our drive.

Friday was the 4^th and we had planned to be at Six Flags all day to have fun and watch fireworks. We left the house around 8:30 am. We didn't get to Six Flags till 5pm. We were in stopped traffic for what seemed like forever. I thought I would be clever and get us around to 90 since all the traffic was on i10. We did a little off roading and lots of back streets but when we came back to 90 we found out all of i10 was being dumped onto 90 due to an 18 wheeler that was carrying chemicals wrecking and spilling everything onto i10. So what was supposed to be a 3 hour drive turned into 8 hours. We did however make it to Six Flags and Emma had lots of fun. The first ride she rode was a roller coaster. I made sure to put her wedge tennis on her so she would be tall enough for all the rides. I suffered silently in the heat because at 7.5 months pregnant you can’t ride anything, but seeing the joy on my baby girl’s face made it all ok. We ended the day watching fireworks as we made our way out of the park. We had a late dinner at a Mexican restaurant and finally got back to the ranch house around 12 that night.

The house we stayed in was way in the middle of nowhere and I thought we would never make it. I guess I was just so tired from our day that it seemed like a long drive. The roads had no street lights and the further and further we got into the country side the creepier it got. We finally turned off onto a dirt road and drove down it for a while till we came to a fence with a little dirt road that led to a good size 2 bedroom house. You could hear the animals making noises and see stars as clear as day. It was beautiful. It was too dark to see what was around us till we got up the next morning. It was beautiful and peaceful. It was on tons of land and there where horses in the back hard and road runners running around.  It was exactly the kind of place I loved to be. There was no tv and no internet but the view was awesome.

Saturday we spent the day at the water park in Six Flags. Emma road as many water rides as she could and I even got to ride the kid’s slides. I love being in the water so with Emma running around I had time to just sit around and relax. I got a little crispy but I didn’t notice till my nose started pealing days later. We ended our day at Big Lou’s Pizza in San Antonio and had another 42” pizza.

Sunday we slept in late then headed to the river walk to see the Alamo and eat. We ate at the Hard Rock and Emma found her’s and Daddy’s favorite singers memorabilia and had to have a picture with it. They both loved Michael Jackson so much, that’s something no one can ever take away from them. The food was great and all the kids got balloon animals. After we ate we walked back to the Alamo and Emma wanted to go in so we did. She got a toy pop cap gun and a charm for her bracelet in the gift shop. When we were leaving my friend called and said he had a gift for her so we waited outside. They got her a Dream catcher on a necklace. It was very cute and very sweet. Now she has one with her all the time to help with her bad dreams.  On the way home we stopped and Buc-ee’s and ran into traffic in Sealy but other than that it was smooth sailing.  

My holiday weekend was fun and I was happy to see Emma enjoying herself so much. She constantly talks about her daddy saying what he would say or do. The pain is still there but when I have weekends like this or even days like this where I can see Emma so happy and excited about something then it hurts a lot less. As we were leaving I remembered being there at the Alamo 7 months pregnant with Emma so i wanted that picture again. This is what we got, its not the same without him but I know he is with us.

Nightmares and my Day

For a while after Dink's accident Emma was having nightmares. At first she was not telling us but when she did we made a way to make it work. We couldn't find a dream catcher right away so our neighbor gave her a rope doll and we told her it was a Dream Gobbler. Then once we went to Garner we stoped in San Antonio on the way back and we found one she really liked. Now Emma is doing well and she has actually slept in her room alone ( with all the dogs).

I on the other hand have been still having nightmares and daymares, if that's even a thing. I know it will stay like this for a while and I have come to terms with it. I have talked to several people in my group that have found their spouses and they all have told me, you never get rid of the image/memory of that day.  But they do know and have said that it fades and it will get farther in between. I can't wait for that but I know it's a process. I hate that I'm ok one minute then crying and a broken mess the next. 

Now not only do I have to worry about my daughters sleep and my sleep, now my dog BamBam is having nightmares. He cries and runs and whimpers. Not only I have noticed but my other animals have too. They try to sleep with him and comfort him. When I just woke him up out of one of his dreams and he looked terrified. I have no way to know if it is connected but I feel bad. I am very attached to what I do have left and my animals are like my kids. It hurts to not be able to fix things. 

As for the rest of my day it was a nightmare in it's self. I took the day off to take care of all the death crap I have going on. I never thought I would have been taking care of these things at 27. It's really depressing. 

Back to my day. I woke up at 7am to be at the social security office before it opened. I was there before opening and they had a line around the building. Then once I get inside I get put into the wrong line so I had to get back in line after being there hours already. After the social security office I go to have lunch with my daughter at one of my loves favorite places, Wich Wich. Emma wanted Daddy's favorite sandwich so I had to order it for her. It was both hard and made me happy. I love that she loves and misses her daddy so much. 

After lunch we went to pick up the death certificates. Once I had them it made everything seem so real and suck a lot more. I had to take them to the bank to try and get my cars taken care of and the accounts that are frozen closed. Having to talk about him all day at the social security office then at the bank didn't make for a good day. 

To end my day I went to my doctors appointment and got to hear TK and find out how she is and that she is growing just the way she should. 

This week

Every night I am haunted by the visions of that day. I still replay everything in my head as if I could go back and fix it. I feel as though this is all my fault and I am beig punished for somethig I did. I am happy I didn't take Emma in that day because I don't want her go go threw what I am. I can't stop seeing him sitting there covered in blood. It haunts me and hurts me that the last memory I have of him is like that. 

Since the passing of my love I have had several other things fall in my lap that I can't controle. Both of my cars have broken down, then once I got one working it breaks down again. The bank froze our account so I can't pay the car notes withough going up to the bank every month and I am still responsible for the notes weather he is here or not. I couldn't get the Medical Examiner to sign off on anything for over two months. Then on Tuesday my dad was admired back into the hospital due to his cancer resurfacing.

On Wednesday wen I checked the ME website they had finally signed of on the death certs. I later got a call from the police officer letting me know he is closing the case and that he ruled it an accident based on the evidence he had. He told me what he thought happened and that he was sorry. I relapsed and ended up crying for an hour at work. Now with everything finalized it feels more real. 

I still think I'm going to wake up every mornin in our bed, rub his chest like I did an tell him his breath stinks. I want him to make me scrambled eggs in the morning like he did because no one can me them the way he did. I want to get ready for the day and watch him and Emma play softball in the yard or sit with him on the couch with our zoo in our laps. I expect to wake up and have that every morning but when I open my eyes I am in my bed all alone at my moms. 

After work on Wednesday I took Emma to the hospital to visit my dad because she really wanted to see him. We had a nice visit but I was not feeling to hot. I think the stress of everything and everything happening back to back had finnaly gotten to me. I ended up throwing up at a gas station. I had not been sick like that since my first trimester. I am better now but I was not doing good Wednesday.

I have been down all this week since then and with all the rain it made it even harder. Dink loved the rain. Every time it rains I can't help but think about him and how he would tell me he wanted to cuddle. Yesterday there was no rain but we did have a family get together for my uncles birthday.  It was hard to sit there and try to be happy as I saw all my family with their spouses. It was hard to sit acceps from my cousin and his daughters and watch them talk and play, say daddy I love you. Emma was quite content playing with her cousins and didn't seem to mind that her daddy wasn't there. I tried to keep it together and I did for the most part but most people could tell I wasn't all there. I hate that his takes such a tole on me and my family. 

I know I have a long journey but I wish it wasn't so painful. 

International Widows Day

Today I learned that June 23rd is International Widows Day. I always thought that Dink and I would be together forever. Every time I saw an old couple together I would tell him that was going to be us. I wanted that to be us. I never thought that I would be a widow and single mother at 27. 

I always told my husband how he should and shouldn't be with our daughter because she would remember. But now I'm scared she won't be able to remember anything about him. I told her to start writing down all her memories that she keeps tellin me so she can always rember no matter how big she gets. I even suggested her vlogging so she would have them forever.  I am so scared of us forgetting. 

As much as I am scarred of us forgetting, I am just as scared of TK not knowing her daddy. Not knowing how much he really loved her and how excited he was to see her. He is the one that gave her, her middle name. He was just as upset as I was when the doctor said he wasn't sure how long it would be till we coule have another baby, if at all. He was so upset not only because we couldn't but because he could tell how upset I was. He thought it was him and when we found out it was me he was so understanding. He held me and told me we would find a way. 

My cycles had always been off so we had several false alarms. When we all found out that I was pregnant on Christmas Eve we were all so excited. Emma had been wanting to be a big sister and she was the one to see the "second" line. That could have been one of the best days of our lives, next to the birth of Emma. We had been journaling and as you could tell by Dinks Journal entrys he was happy.

I'm terrified of having this baby without him. I'm terrified of getting post pardom, but I'm mostly terrified for what the future holds for my babies and I. The way I planned our future is not at all how it's going to be. I don't know how I'm goon to do this without him. He was my rock and my shoulder to lean on.  I miss him so much and would do anything to have him back. Not just for me but for my girls. I know how important a daddy is to a little girl. 

Dink with a fetal Doppler trying to listen to TK 

A Helping Hand

I have been thinking a lot about my love this morning. I think about him all the time but more so this morning. When I miss him I like to go threw my phone, his phone, and/or his Facebook to look at pictures and remember the good times. I came across this picture in my phone from one of our bike rides in the park.

That would be my wonderful husband giving a homeless man a couple waters and a sandwich. 

We were at Herman park ridding our bikes and brought a cooler and stuff to make sandwiches. While we were stopped to let Emma play and to eat lunch, Dink saw this man digging in the trash to get a drink someone just put in there. 

As you can see it was a hot day. Dink came to me and asked me to make a sandwich and give him a water. He had already eaten and I asked if he was still hungry. He told me it was for the man so I handed him an sandwich and two waters. The man was very grateful and it made me proud to know I had such a caring man. 

Dinkie used to do things like this all the time. No matter where we were he would always lend a helping hand. I always rember him helping ladies with strollers stuck at stairs. He would help get the stroller up or down the stairs. He would also help elderly couples or singles unload groceries at the grocery store. Weather we were walking in or out he would stop to help.

This past Christmas we attended his company Christmas party held at the hotel in the Galeria. After the party on our way out one of the janitors was stuck on a slope and needed a hand. Dink didn't hesitate to help push the big buffer up the slope so the man could finish his job. 

Dink didn't care that he was in his dress shoes and nice clothes. He didn't have to think about it. He just helped because that's who he was.

This is the last picture I have of him helping someone and the after picture. 

We were on our way to a birthday party and I spotted a man sitting on his roof and a ladder on the floor. I told Dink that I thought he was stuck. Dinkie immediately turned the car around and stoped and asked if he was ok. The man said his ladder fell and he was sure someone would have stoped to help but he had been stuck up there a while now. Dink put up the ladder and held it steady till the older gentleman got down. He thanked Dink and we went to the party. It was a princes theme so he wore a crown because Emma and I asked him too. He didn't care as long as we were happy. 

Dink was always the first to volunteer or lend a hand. No one ever wants to help someone move but two weeks before his passing he helped our friend Maddy move. And this past April at the Yay4Life crawfish benefit he stayed way past his volunteer shift. He was set for set up but ended up selling the toy wagon tickets then stayed till the very end to clean up and pack things up. He didn't mind and stayed till we were told to go ahead an go home. 

I love this man and I miss him beyond words. Looking back at these things I am happy I took these pictures and he grew up as much as he did from the time I met him till his passing. I am so proud of the man he had become and the family he gave us. Weather he was volunteering at the shelter walking dogs or putting out a house fire I could always count on him to help. 

Why

I hate my life. If i didn't have Emma or the baby I know I would not still be here. Even after all the support I have gotten and still am receiving I still feel alone. It seams like my life is in a downward spiral. This all started with our cars messing up. Then as soon as we get one fixed the other messes up. Then when Dink was suppose to be fixing the cars he was busy fiddling with his gun. So now Emma and I are left alone. 

People always say that it can't get any worse. Well it keeps getting worse. After losing the love of my life and father of my children I am having to plan a funeral and then attend two funerals. I have to try and get two non-working cars to where I can at least drive one. Then once I do that it breaks down on me and I'm stuck on the side of the road, luckily at a gas station, till someone can rescue me. 

I am living with my mom and I can't stand it. As I mentioned in an earlier post Dink and I were looking for houses and now I am litteraly stuck back at my parents. I can't look for an appartment because I will be out on maternity leave in 3 months and then when I leave for that I still have to pay for my health insurance. I just found out I won't be paid for the first two weeks and then after that my checks will only be about $80 a week after my insurance is paid. 

I tried to go on "vacation" an that didn't help either. My mom went with me to help but she is older now and things seem more annoying to her. It also didn't help that there was a hail storm and a tornado. I was trying to make sure my Emy still had a good time yet everything kept backfireing. 

I have insurance companies requesting death certificates, car notes to pay on two non working cars, I had to take Emma out of Daycare because it costs to much, and I have Dinks mom requesting I give her a death cert. I don't even have one and the medical examiner keeps telling me I just have to wait and that it takes time. I don't have time! I am due in less than three months and have no way to pay the medical bills by my self. 

I started therapy for both myself and Emma yet with my insurance it is still $55 every time we go in each. My therapist requested I go in once a week and Emma's is once every two weeks. I haven't been sleeping and my therapist said sleep depravation can mess with the chemical balance and worsted my depression but I can't help it. Things keep piling up and I have no one to turn to. 

I need him here with me. Emma needs him. I dot understand why god would take him from us. Why would he finnaly let us have another baby just to take the best thing to any of us away? I need to have him hug me and tell me I will make it threw because we always do somehow. I need to see Emma hugging her daddy because it made both of us feel happy and safe. What have I done wrong? What did I do to have this happen to me, to my daughter, to my husband? He was so full of life and so positive about everything it made me sick. I need and want him. He was my world and now I lay alone in an empty bed. We slept in a log size together that felt so small because we were always so close. Now I sleep in a small full and it seams so big and empty. 

Yesterday on my way to the therapists a dog came on that Dink would sing and dance to. I miss his smile and the silly way he acted. Then after I left the therapist another song came on that he would sing to me in the car when it came on and he would kiss my hand and carres my face. He loved me so much and I loved him. I dot know how I am going to keep going. My world keeps falling apart without him. 

The Hardest Vacation

This weekend was our yearly family camping trip. It was one of the hardest and most stressful vacations ever. Going without my love and being 7 months pregnant was not easy. 

I am already hormonal and very emotional just because I am pregnant but having to deal with crying kids and storms didn't help. I cried on the way up to Garner because I was remembering all the times we had there. When we get there it's so hot the first night we hardly sleep any. Then we wake up to sprinkling early Thursday morning so we have to put up our tarps to keep our things dry.

Thursday was a nice day after that and we went to the dance. On our way back to the camp site from the dance, the park ranger comes by to let us know there is a storm coming threw. We packed all the loose stuff down and went to the grill for dinner. It was no normal storm. It hailed golf ball size pieces and a tornado came threw. We had no dry clothes or blankets so we had to pack everything up and try to find a hotel.

Luckily we found one and the manager was gracious enough to let us stay. The whole town was out of power and we had to walk up the stairs and use flash lights to get to the room. I was so upset. It seems like everything I try and do keeps backfireing on me. Emma and Dinkie were really looking forward to this trip and this is how it turned out. 

We ended up going back Friday and the weather was beautiful the rest of the time. All our friends showed up and Emma had a blast. They ended up taking Emma hiking up Old Baldy. Every year we write on a rock and add it to the top of the pile, this year Emma wrote," I ❤️ Daddy. Love, Emma". 

I broke down when Emma was at the dance and kept talking about how she would danced with her daddy. I broke down when I heard a song he would make me two step with him to. I broke down at the sight of every daddy dancing with a little girl or evey happily married couple.
That was suposed to be us. Waking up this morning to the sounds of kids telling their daddies happy Father's Day really hurt. Just walking around and seeing all the Fathersday things was torture. I can't help but feel that this is not fair. My baby should not have to go threw this, I should not have to go threw this. 

Dinkie wanted to go to go to San Antonio to Big Lou's to have a pizza for Fathers day and we made sure to do that today. We had a large group of friends and family meet us there and we all tackled the 42" pizza. Dinks record was 5 slices and we had two friends try to beat it and if we would have had enough pizza left they both would have. Collin ended up eating six slices since his daughter didn't eat her slice. 

After the pizza we went down to Market Square and Mi Tierra to get cookies and shop at the market for a bit. We ended our trip at Buccees. We really love that place. 

This was the worst vacation by far and it was not because I didn't have fun. It's because the one person I wanted there the most wasn't physically there. I keep getting told it will get easier with time but it doesn't really feel like it. I hope it does though. I know the pain won't ever go away but I hope I can keep it together at least for my babies.