Another Light

Today marks my 3 month mark. I have been more emotional the last two days and have cried a few more times a day the last few days. I think Emma can tell as well because she finally broke down. I think I have only seen her cry about her daddy twice. Both her therapist and myself told her it was ok. It took her a while but she finally did and I think it may have helped us both.

We were in the car on our way home Friday night at 11 o'clock at night and she started talking about her daddy. Normally when she talked about her daddy you could hear the "Happy" in her voice but this time was different. She stared out the window with tears in her eyes. She was trying to hold it back. I had to remind her that it was ok to be sad and crying is a good thing to let the sad out. I told her to go ahead and cry and she could tell me anything she wanted. So she did. She told me her daddy was a good daddy and that she missed him. She told me that he was her favorite and that she was his favorite too. I had to tell her she will allways be his favorite and that he loves her and the baby so much. Then I told her to be thankfull she had a good daddy. I told her to be happy that she had him as long as she did. 

This week in one of my Widows groups a lady posted a post that asked us to comment what we are thankfull for. Too often did we all post something that we were upset about or that was going wrong. She said that she thought it would be a good thing for all of us and I agreed. Her post made me think and I think she posted it for some cosmic reason. The last time Emma got upset I didn't know what to say, but this time I did. I told her to be thankfull. I told her that there are some kids that have crappy daddies or daddies that are mean. I told her she was lucky to have such a wonderful role model. She agreed and that seemed to make both her and I feel better. 

I know I am very thankfull to have even met him. I'm thankfull for the love he showed me and the passion he had for everything he loved. I was told just yesterday that there are people that would be jealous of the love we had. With the things I had experience when I was young I didn't even think the love we had existed. I thought it was a fairy tail. I am so thankfull that it was not. I am thankfull that he showed me what a husband should be. For him being there every time I needed him and even when I didn't need or want him to be. I'm thankfull for the person he made me. Before him I was very hateful twatds men in general and my mom and pretty much everyone. He made me see the error in my ways. He made me realize how important he was and my family.

I'm thankfull for the health and happiness of Emma. I am thankfull I did not lose TK when all this happend. I was afraid I would miscarriage and that I would lose her as well as him. Now with a little over 4 weeks left I just hope she is healthy. I am thankfull for all the love and support I have received. I am thankfull to have family to pick me up, and friends to cry too. I am thankfull for my support system because I know when Dink passed I wanted to give up but my friends and family wouldn't give up on me. I am thankfull I have Emma and TK. They are the reasons everyone kept and keep telling me to keep going. I am thankfull for this pregnancy. Both because we tried so hard for another and we didn't think it would happen and because I think I would be in a darker place right now. All I wanted to do a few weeks after was drink myself into oblivion, or maybe not because I have Emma. I am thankfull to have gotten rid of the two broken cars that we were constantly working on to have one reliable car to bring my new love home from the hospital. I'm thankfull for the people that have donated their time, money, and thoughts to my family. Thanks to them my bills are caught up and I don't have to worrie about that. I am thankfull for the health of my dad. Even though he has been in the hospital three times since Dink's passing at least he is still here to fight another day.  I'm thankfull he has decided to stay here where he belongs instead of going back to Ohio. I'm thankfull Dink was able to do all the things we had been able to do. For him to come from a large poor family and a very very small town he got to really experience life and I'm glad I was able to do it with him. 

I could go on and on about the things I am thankfull for but I am getting tired again. My sleep has never been the same and we all know why. I want you to know that I am thankfull to you. If you read this you care enough to want to know how I'm doing. You have probably given me some words to help me threw my day or done something to give me the extra push. So thank you.