Today was not the case. Even though we had Tia, Mamaw, and PaPaw there for her she was scared. I then had to explain to the teacher that we just lost daddy in May and that Emma still has her moments. They are few and far between but she does. Emma came out and told me she was scared. My baby has never been scared to go to school or meet new friends but this time she was and it broke my heart a little more. I hate that my baby has to go threw this. It's not fair. I know she misses her daddy because she talkes about him. She tells me about how he use to make her laugh. She tells me the things she remembers.
He should have been here to walk her to class. Or to hold me while we walk down the hall and let me cry to him about our baby growing up. Not only was I upset that she is getting bigger but that he was not there. I was upset that she was scared, and that I had to talk to her teacher to let her know that daddy was a sensitive and very fresh wound. This is not something a second grader should have to go threw.
I talked to Emma about her day today and it helped that she told me she had fun and to see her smiling when I asked about her day. She even told me she ate two chicken nuggets and 2.5 slices of apple today. My baby eats like a bird. She even decided to go back to Karate School. I had them pick her up from school like they did before and she told me how she wasn't the only one that rode the van and that she had fun playing once they got there.
Karate was her and daddy's thing. He got off work just early enough to get to the karate school as they were dressing for karate class. Dink would watch every class and practice with Emma all the time. They both loved karate movies and would watch Bruce Lee all the time. I wanted her to be in Ballet and she wanted to be in Karate. I was so worried once Dink passed that Emma wouldn't want to do karate any more because it was their thing. I'm so happy she has decided to go back and pick up where she left off.
I want more than anything for my baby girl to be happy. Our therapist said kids bounce back faster and that she can tell Emma is well loved and will be just fine. I was happy to hear that but I still worry. It may be that I'm a mom but I want her to be as happy as she can be all things considered.
Now on to me... My day was ok. Today was my first day of maternity leave and I had absolutely no idea what to do with myself for the day. After coming home from dropping off Emma I cried to myself in my room, took the dogs out to play and potty, then I came inside and sat on my bed wondering what to do. I answered two work emails then saw my dog sleeping next to me. I decided that's what I should do and took a nap. I got a phone call from my mom and one from work and one from a friend. I guess I should let people know I'm sleeping so they will leave me alone.
After my nap a had a nice lunch with my sister. I ate ribs that were to die for and had a good conversation. I talked about dink and how he would cater to me while I was sick at the begening of this pregnancy. Fighting off the tears was hard but I managed. I would give anything to have him here to cater to me. Hell I would give anything to have him here for me to cater to him.
After lunch I went to the mall to get Emma a pair of boots she really wanted yet they didn't have them any more. I decided to walk around as much as I could to try and work this baby out. First I walked the mall then I walked a strip center on the way back to the house then I walked petco. I should not have gone in because the clearance rack was like a light and I was a moth. I ended up getting the dogs some toys and the rat some treats and a leash/ harness that was too big. Emma was upset so now I'm on a mission to find her one that will fit so she can walk her rat. After all that I had therapy.
I love my therapist and Emma loves her too. It's not really comin for a parent and child to have the same therapist but it was ok with Emma that I used her and she seemed more interested I what I had to say. I had another therapist that just looked at me like a statue. It was like she didn't even care what I had to say. She looked at me blankly as if she was bored and just wanted the paycheck for being there. So I switched and I couldn't be happier with my decision. She has told me I am doing the right things with Emma and that I am strong. I keep getting told that by everyone yet I don't feel it.
I feel weak and stuck. I feel lost without him. He told me things that would keep me going or that I needed to hear. I miss how understanding he was yet he didn't let things or people get to him. I could really use some of his strength right now. It's getting so close to the time to have TK join us and like I said I am terrified. I'm terrified yet so very excited. I want to hold her and kiss her and tell her how much she is loved. She is my last little present from him and and I just can't wait to get her in my arms. I know she is going to look like him and I hope she does. Emma already is a little piece of him so now I'll have two.
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