Why

I haven't written in a while and it's because my life has been going by so easily and smoothly. Things seem to be looking up. I started going back to school in October, Emma has been doing well in school, life with a newborn is heck tick yet rewarding, and I purchased a home for us in the exact neighborhood I wanted it to be in. On the weekends I have been going out with friends again and having fun. 

I thought all those were things I needed to do. Dinkie always wanted me to not stress and enjoy what was going on right then and there so I have been. The girls are fantastic and I even got Roxie back from the shelter. I have been feeling great to say the least. 

I have heard from several people and in articles that grief is like being in the ocean. You get beat down by the waves but when the storm dies the waves get smaller and further in between yet they never fully go away. Well I agree with that fully. I was still having my waves but they were better and easier to weather. But I had a storm come threw this last week. 

I got a phone call Tuesday from my step mom saying my grandmother was not doing well and that my sister and I needed to go see her right away. She just had her 80th birthday earlier in the month. My sister and I went right away and spent a few hours with her. It was awful to see her like that and it hurt so bad that I didn't have Dink to help me threw it . It hurt to see all my aunts and uncles with thier partners consoling them and there I was in a chair all alone. Not only did I have that pain but I was losing yet another loved one only 6 months later. Her breathing was heavy and the sound brought me straight back to the sound of Dink's breathing when I found him. It hurt to have to have that memory and vision come rushing back. My storm just started all over again. 

My sister and I went back to the home to visit my grandmother Wednesday evening then Thursday night at 11:11 I got a phone call from my cousin letting me know she had passed. Even though I knew it was coming and I know she is no longer straining it hurts to have lost yet another person I love. 

Not only did I lose someone I love but my hole family did. My dads birthday was on Friday and he lost his mother the night before. I can't even imagine how painful that was. We didn't celebrate his birthday and pretty much everyone did their own thing. He spent his birthday at the hospital having treatments done for his cancer. 

Friday evening and Saturday morning I went to a Woman's conference with a very good friend of mine. After the conference we went to anothe friends for her so 's birthday and stayed the night and had a blast. Sunday I had a family gathering at my new place to celebrate my Dad's, Aunt's, and Uncle's birthdays. Not only did we celebrate birthdays but we had to discuss my grandmother and what will be happening with her. That was a hard thing to even listen to. 

But before anyone arrived my dad came early to cook. It was both my sister and I there cleaning and my dad cooking. I was in the babies room when I heard my dad calling. He told both my sister and I that he got news from the doctor that his cancer was winning the battle. He explained that he will be quitting dyalisis when he goes into the hospital and that will spend things up as well. 

Yet another storm that has hit my tiny boat. I am trying my hardest to not have my boat tip because I have my girls to think about. I was so happy that things were going well and now my world is falling apart again. I am losing yet another person I love. Did I do something terrible that I deserve this grief in my life? How am I supposed to heal when my wound keeps getting ripped back open?