Our first Christmas without

Today is Christmas Eve and I feel like I ran into a wall. My emotions just hit me like a ton of bricks. I am just realizing that I will be doing Christmas without Dink and without my dad. My Dads side of the family have decided they don't feel like celebrating Christmas and I understand why and Emma has hit bottom. Her therapist has always told me she was doing well and she was healing well yet with the loss of her grandfather she is no longer doing so well.

My little family and I have lost so much and now are doing without so much i don't really know how we are still going. On Thanksgiving day we lost one of our puppies. I was extremely upset because he was a Valentines gift from Dink. Then that evening my dad took a turn for the worse. I was sitting with him eating Thanksgiving dinner and he looked tired all of a sudden. Then his arm started hurting him and my uncle told him to go to the ER right away. My dad looked at me and said "Well this is it". I did not ever want to hear that from him. I hugged him and kissed him and even went out to the car to tell him bye again and he told me not to worry and I would see him later. He told me to go visit my family in Louisiana and i would see him when i got back. I did get to see him yet it was in the hospital and he was not always coherent. My daddy passed away on 12-13-14. Im not sure if he planned that out with it being a special date but seamed fitting.

Last night we went to have diner with my Grandpa and it was painful to be sitting there with the girls and my family with no Dink. I trudged threw it and was OK, or i thought i was OK. On my way back home my step mom called to remind me that her family is still doing Christmas eve and she would like us to come. I had already planned on it and told her we would be there.

Now here it is Christmas Eve and everything is hitting me at once. Every year we spend Christmas eve with my Dad and step mom at her family's Christmas eve party. This year i will be going without my husband and my Dad wont be there. I wanted this to be the best Christmas for my girls but i don't know if im going to be able to hold myself together long enough to let them enjoy it. i have only been at work about an hour and have not stopped crying for more than a few minutes. The holidays were my favorite time of the year and now i just don't know what to do with myself.