In the last two weeks, or so, I have had a few ups and downs on this new journey of mine. We had Halloween, my sister and her boyfriend bought a house YAY, my company sold BOO, Drill competition, My dads first birthday in heaven, and TK is now walking. Life keeps going and all anyone can do is try to go with it as best they can.
For Halloween this year I made Emma's costume. I stayed up 3 night in a row trying to make it perfect. I want my girls to have the best holiday ever, every holiday. We trick-or-treat'ed in the rain because that's what Emma wanted to do. I didn't want to and voiced that yet I did it. I had planned to go spend some time with someone special to me after yet I had no sitter. I had a dress and new shoes ready for Halloween that got left in the closet. I wanted so bad to be mad at my mom and sister for not helping me. I wanted to be mad at anyone because I felt that I worked to make my kids happy for Halloween yet I had to do without because I had them and no sitter. The only person I could think to actually be mad at was Dink. I was mad that he left me here to do this by myself. I have to do without to make sure my kids are taken care of. If he was here I still wouldn't have gotten to go out but if he was then i wouldn't have wanted to. I would have been content at home. I couldn't even take the girls to a friends to hang out because Emma had to be at competition at 8am the next morning so I was literally stuck. They ended up rescheduling the following Sunday.
The day before Halloween I was informed that my company sold. The last time I went threw a buy out I was let go along with the rest of the company. so this was not happy news to me. Not only that my sister and her boyfriend (my coworker) just signed on their new how earlier that day. So not only did that stress out my self because now I'm the only person in my house that pays bills, but it stressed out both my sister and her boyfriend. I guess that's just one more thing to add to my pile of never ending supply of stress factors.
Being a single parent is hard. I am the only one responsible for two precious lives. I have to feed and cloth them, make sure they have running water and a roof over their heads and I cant do that without money and I need a job to get that. I had no plans to be a single parent and with all the help I get I still struggle. I have friends and my mom that are always trying to help and do help but it still sucks. I still feel alone, different, secluded, left out. I don't know how to explain it but its not the same. When I take the girls anywhere I feel as if I am being judged. This was a topic in my group last Wednesday. Its like I can feel people looking at my little family. Wondering where the dad was, was he a dead beat that left them to do this on their own, or maybe we are just divorced and its my turn to have them. I want to tell everyone around me that he was a fantastic father and husband and he would be here if he could but he cant and never will be able to again. With myself being so young and my kids obviously look mixed I know what people are thinking when they see us. I know because when I saw a single young lady with mixed kids I would automatically assume the dad wasn't around purely because he didn't want to be. I know that is terrible but that's what life has shown me.
So on top of always feeling out of place and secluded, this Saturday November 7th was my dads first birthday in Heaven. My sister and I got a text message informing us that our family was going to meet up at my dads favorite bar to have a toast to him. Both my sister and myself were very hurt that we were an after though when this was being planned. We were text 30 min before everyone was scheduled to be there. I feel like my family is falling apart. Last year was a hard year for my family. We lost Dink, then my grandmother, then my Dad. Normally families pull together tighter where tragedy strikes yet my family has decided to drift apart. We didn't have Christmas last year and now this year we are not having Thanksgiving.
I'm not sure how my holidays are going this year but I'm hoping for the best. I plan on being with whoever wants us there and as long as my kids are happy Ill be happy.
Hey Jess, First off let me just say that I’m glad that you have found an outlet with your blog to pour out your thoughts and feelings. I really believe that it helps. I actually did the same thing when Jason was on deployment all those times while he was in the Navy.
ReplyDeleteI read this blog today and I wanted to go over a few things with you in hopes of putting your mind at ease about the holidays. We’ve already talked about the get-together on your dad birthday so I won’t go into that again but I do want to take this time to talk about the holidays. Your dad was admitted into the hospital on Thanksgiving Day and Jason and I were there almost daily. He fought hard but passed away less than two weeks before Christmas. Your grandma had passed away a few weeks before that and we were all physically and emotionally exhausted. The very thought of getting together and having a Christmas Party just didn’t seem right, at least for us anyway because we were still grieving. It didn’t mean that we turned our backs on everyone or that we were drifting apart, it was just too soon. Instead we chose to spend it alone with our immediate family, just the three of us.
As far as Thanksgiving goes, last year we had it at our house and I loved it. We didn’t know it at the time but it would be your dads last day at our house before he was admitted into the hospital. I find peace in knowing that it was special for him to have all of his family there and especially his granddaughters. This year Jason and I will be hosting MY side of the family on Thanksgiving. This is not intended to be disrespectful toward the Nunez side of the family, it’s just that I have a big family as well… and just like the Nunez side, we enjoy getting together for the holidays. I hope you understand that just because we can’t always be together for the holidays, it doesn’t mean that we don’t love you or that the family is falling apart.
Hugs, Aunt Rachelle