Daddy Daughter Dance

Every year in February the City puts on a Daddy Daughter dance right before Valentine’s Day. The first and only time Emma has gone was in 2014, just 3 months before Dinks passing. We didn’t tell Emma about it and the day of the dance Dink took her to the store to pick out a dress and let her pick out his shirt to match her dress. He then dropped her off at my mom’s so we could get her ready and he went home to get ready. He showed back up a while later with a corsage and all dressed up to take his date out. They had a blast dancing, eating all the goodies, and taking pictures. I ended up having her bear made out of his shirt he wore that night with a picture of them together that night on the foot.

Now every year in January I know it’s coming. I tell her teachers that it’s a sore subject and to please not send the dance flier home with Emma yet every year it’s in her folder. I try to prepare her for it and let her know she will probably see the flier.  The first year just the mention of it sent her and me into tears and when she got it in her folder Emma broke down yet again. I asked if she wanted to go and that her PawPaw world take her or that Tio Mickey volunteered to come from Lafayette just to take her. She said she didn’t want to go and I offered her a day of just her and me. She deiced to have a mommy and me day. We spent the day together, went to the American Girl Doll store, and spent my whole check. The second and third year I don’t remember what we did. I’m pretty sure we just ignored the whole event. Every year that Emma has gotten the flier she cries and every year someone offers to take her yet she declines. But this year went a little different…

This year my mom sent me the event information on Jan 10^th, then about a week later my friend sent me a photo of the flier her daughter received in her school folder as a heads up that it was coming. I always try to warn Emma ahead of time so in the car I told her it was coming and asked what she wanted to do. Before Emma had a chance to answer TK, extremely excited, said she wanted to go to the dance. Emma looked over at me and said she didn’t want to go. You could see the pain in her eyes. I told her that was fine and asked if it bothered her that TK wanted to go. She said no and told TK to have fun. I told her if she ever wanted to go she could and that Darius would be happy to take her or pretty much anyone she wanted would take her. She just said no and that was the end of the conversation for her. I left it alone and we went inside.

Now for the last couple weeks TK has been talking about the dance and her pretty dress she is going to wear. My mom decided TK needed a pretty new dress for the occasion lol. Well on Facebook I got a notification that Chick-Fil-A in Kemah is having a Daddy Daughter Date Night event and told the girls about it. Emma is excited to go with Darius and TK to this. She is even forfeiting going to group counseling, she ALWAYS wants to go to group, just to go to date night. I was pretty surprised she wanted to go to the date night yet not the dance but I didn’t push it.

Well this Sunday on our way home TK brought up the dance and how excited she is. This sparked the conversation with Emma about it and Date night. I asked her if she was sure she wanted to skip counseling and she said yes. I also asked again if she wanted to go to the dace but was just worried going with Darius would be disrespectful somehow. She said no but looked at me and asked if the dance would be in the same place as it was when she went with Daddy. That’s when a light bulb went off in my head. I told her it’s in the same place and she started crying. Then I started crying. Now I know why she doesn’t want to go. She said she doesn’t think she can go back to that place because the last time she was there she was with her daddy. She tried to talk about how they danced and how going back there doesn’t sound fun but the tears muffled all that. She brought up how she really wanted to listen to Butterfly Kisses and tried to but when the song came on it hurt too much and she had to turn it off. That song was their song. I’ve walked in on them dancing to it several times. They danced to it at the dance and now my baby can’t even listen to her favorite song.

Hearing my baby ask me where the dace was being held made me think about myself and how going back to a place I was with Dink last affects me. For the last two company Christmas parties my job has had it at an Italian place in the woodlands but this year they decided to have it at the restaurant where I had my company party with Dink. I didn’t know that’s where it was till I walked in and it just so happen to be in the same room and even sitting in the exact same spot. As soon as we sat down I told Darius and that I was feeling awful. I went to the bathroom with my manager and told her I was starting to panic. She brushed it off and went about her night. I went to sit back down and tried to contain myself but it obviously was not working. My breathing was shaky and I’m sure Darius could probably feel how uncomfortable I was. He told me it was ok to let it out. I excused myself again to the restroom. After having a 10-15 minute break down in the bathroom complete with shaking, uncontrollable crying, muscle spasms, and pure panic I was able to pull myself together. I fixed my makeup and headed back to the table. After that I was able to enjoy my food and drinks.

I told Emma about that night and that I felt like I just needed to let it out before I was able to enjoy myself. I told her I didn’t want her to miss out on fun things for fear of the grief and I know Dink wouldn’t want her to either. I told her if she really wanted to go that maybe she could go and let it out then enjoy herself after and if she couldn’t I would go get her so she didn’t have to stay. She said she just doesn’t want to go at all.

I understand why. It hurts to know my baby has all this going on in her head. It hurts to know she is not participating in things she enjoys because of this. As a parent you want your kids to have every opportunity and be happy healthy normal kids. You want to protect them from pain, pick them up and kiss the booboos away. How do I kiss this booboo away? How do I protect her from what’s going on in her head? How do I help her deal with her grief when I can’t even help myself with it?