Lost

I am already having a rough day today. The day isn't even half over and I have almost missed an 8 o'clock appointment and been stranded on the side of the road for an hour. I had to call someone I didn't want to, not because he is a bad person but because I feel guilty asking him for help. 

Yesterday around 2:30 he popped into my head. It was unusually slow at work and the phones weren't ringing. When I would have a day like that I would call or text him to say hi. I couldn't so I wrote him on Facebook.

When I got off my mom called and asked if I was ok. I asked if she saw my posting and said no. She said she didn't know what it was but she was having a rough time with it as well. She said it started around 2:30 as well. I don't know if it's mothers intuition but we both could feel something. I can't help it, I just miss him so much. 

This is not how I planned my life and the life of my family. I planned to grow old with him and have him be at every cheer practice, football game, graduation, wedding, birthday, and everything else daddies are suposed to be at. I feel so lost without him and I hurt for myself and my babies. He took care of the cars and us. I don't know what to do and I feel so helpless. I keep being told to keep going and that I am strong but I don't wan to. It's like everything keeps piling up and I just keep getting draper and draper into this hole.

Today I had an appointment to have my cat fixed because my mom didn't want him here until he was due to the spraying of male cats. I needed to be there by 8:30am. I got half way there and Dink's car says "engine oil pressure low, stop engine now", so I do. I go in the gas station and get 2 quarts of oil. I add the oil then check the level. Now it's too high.  WHAT!! I ended up having to call a guy that is a customer of the company I work for to help me out. Che compleatly changed the oil and added coolant. It's is good for about 5 min and the light comes on again and I have to park it at the gas station. 

Everyone keeps asking when the last time the oil was changed and what kind of coolant it needs. I have no idea! Dinkie was the one to take care of all of that. I just had his car fixed so I would at least have one mode of transportation and not I'm back down to nothing. I have to go to work because I am still responsible for the car notes and I can't sell them because I owe 6k on one and 2k on the other. And on top of that I have to pay a 2k deductible to the hospital to have the baby. 

I am getting close to my wits end. I don't know what to do and I don't have the person I need the most to help me. If it weren't for Emma and the baby I know I would be in a bad place right now. All I keep telling myself is I need to be strong for the girls. I don't know if being pregnant helps this situation or hurt even more. I know if I wasn't pregnant I would have drank myself to death but I know my emotions and already messed up due to the pregnancy and they are just amplified now.  

I don't know how to explain how I feel. That feeling right before you start to cry where you have a tight ball in your throat and that worried feeling in your chest? That is how I feel all day. I hold back the tears and try and keep my mind on other things most of the time but I can't keep it back all the time. I feel like something is sitting on my chest and my heart feels down. Just seeing my baby Emma or feeling a small kick from TK feels like a stab in my heart. It hurts to know how hurt Emma is and that TK will never physically know her daddy. I honestly don't want to go on anymore and I want to just crawl into bed and lay there till I die. Emma is already worried something will happen to me and has voiced that I am all she has left so I know I need to keep going not only for her but for myself and the baby. 

I hate this and I hate how my life has turned out. I hate that my daughters have to go threw this and I hate how I have to live with my parents. I hate that I have to "be strong" when I don't want to and can't even be strong enough to keep myself together. I am so full of hate and saddness that it disgusts me and I know it doesn't make Dink happy. He was so positive and made everything better some how. I need him, I need his strength.