Whats a Therapist?

I wanted to blog last night but after the busy day I had I just couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. I guess that’s a good thing considering my sleep is so messed up. I still didn't sleep well due to Emma head butting me in the nose and the dogs being up my butt. I still wake up some times expecting to put my leg on Dink or to roll over to him. I am still use to just rolling over and grabbing is arm to hold me or just wakening to his embrace. I would love that so much. He really couldn't sleep without holding me and I would walk in to his naps while he was holding my dog he gave me or some of the stuffed animals he gave me. I would really love to walk into that again.

Back to reality…Yesterday was a very hectic day. I forgot my keys in my sisters car so I had to ask her boyfriend for a ride to work. Then at lunch I went down to the bank to deposit Dink’s last check that I got a few weeks ago. Well since it is written out to “The Estate of Tyra Elzy” they won’t let me deposit it. They won’t even let me deposit it into our joint account. I need paperwork saying I am his estate and or a will. He was only 29. We had plans to see the world and raise our family. Who at 29 writes a will? Then the icing on top is I need a death cert for any and everything yet I still can’t get the medical examiner to give me any kind of information on when it will be done.

I also just found out Emma has been having nightmares. She wouldn't tell me and I am thankful she told the neighbor. She finally told me the other day because she had a bad one Sunday night and she was sleeping with my mom. I kinda figured something was bothering her, besides the obvious, that she wasn't telling me because when she slept with me she always seemed to be running in her sleep. I had waken her up several times and asked her if she was ok and she would just tell me she was fine. She does not want to tell me anything because she does not want to upset me even more. I had to sit her down and tell her that I love her and I really need to know these things because I cant help if she doesn't tell me. It saddens me that I cant fix this for her. I'm the mommy! Mommies kiss the booboos and make things all better. How am I supposed to make this better? She is constantly telling me she misses her daddy and I tell her I do too. As much as this situation is not fair to me I feel its 100x more not fair to her. I told her I would find her a dream catcher and I couldn't find any at Walmart so I think we are going to end up making one as a family. But in the mean time my mom found this little voodoo doll key chain and told Emma is was a Dream Gobbler that eats up all the bad dreams. Emma says it works and I am so thankful for that.

After I found out about Emma’s nightmares I found both her and I a therapist that specializes in grief. We met with her last night. When I told Emma we were going and why she wanted nothing to do with it. I told her we would try and see how things worked out. The therapist name is Jennifer and her and Emma seamed to get along well. She did have to ask me why we were coming in and I had to spill the whole story. Just walking about it is hard and writing this I am tearing up. Even Jennifer seamed to tear up as I told her our story and how close Emma and Dink were.  She told me to let Emma see me cry sometimes because Emma really hasn't seen me cry too much because I have tried to keep myself together around her for fear of hurting her more. Jennifer said crying is a natural thing and Emma is trying not to cry because she sees me trying not to. Emma’s acting out and nightmares, and clingyness is normal for this situation. I really hope the therapy helps both Emma and myself.

I know I may seem OK when I get out of the house but I’m not. I constantly think about him and what he would be doing if he were with us. I can’t ever get him out of my head. I would give almost anything to have him back. I draw the line at my girls but other than that I would probably do anything. I hurt constantly and I am mad. I’m mad at him for leaving us and playing with his stupid gun. I am mad at myself for buying him the gun and bullets in the first place. I feel guilty and I know I shouldn't but I can’t help it. I’m mad that my daughter is hurting and I can’t fix it. I am mad at all the people that have told me they would help yet they always had other plans. I know in my heart that its wrong and that everyone still has kids and jobs and things they have to attend to but I can’t help it. I am mad at everything right now. I am mad that I have to move in with my parents. I am mad that I had to get rid of lots of my things because I can’t afford to keep them and I have no where for them to go. I am mad that I can’t rescue animals anymore and that I don’t have the room to do my arts and crafts. And as mad as I am at everything the sadness is a million times worse.

If I didn't have so many amazing people pushing me to keep going I would be locked in my room crying all day. My boss Johnny and his wife have been so understanding and helpful. They took Emma to play to keep her mind going and he is very understanding when I need my time to go in the back and have a meltdown. He pushed me to come back to work so I wouldn't be at home crying alone. I have lots and lots of family and friends that call me or text me on a daily basis to check on me. My friend Jessica set up a GoFundMe account to help with my expenses. I have gotten so many positive comments and donations it’s unbelievable. The Fire Fighters have been a big help from mowing the grass to moving my things into storage. My friend Maddy does not hesitate to come help fold or put things away at the drop of a hat. My friends Chrissina and Wendy are trying to put together a BBQ benefit to help raise money to keep me and the babies going. Chrissina even bought a webpage and set that up. All of these people are just a fraction of the help im getting but I would have to say that my biggest help comes from my mom. She has not stopped pushing me and holding me up since the day my world fell apart. She is always there to hold me when I am crying or to move all my things into storage and move me into her house. As much as I didn't want to move back with my parents I am thankful I have her.

As of right now I think I am doing OK coping. Now that may change in 5 minutes and I may stay ok all day it all just depends. Today is Emma’s last day as a 1^st grader. I am both very proud and upset that daddy is not here to tell her how proud he is. I just found out last night that she made the A-B Honor Roll this semester. In about an hour I will be picking up my little 2^nd grader to start her first summer without daddy, her first birthday without daddy, and her first camping trip at Garner without daddy. She has already said that we have to go camping because daddy wants to go. Garner was the one vacation they both looked forward to every year and she knows he is still with us. She told both my mom and I yesterday that she wants a Daddy birthday party complete with his big smile on her cake. I don’t know how I’m going to hold it together for all that because I am not holding together just writing it but I know I sure will try for my baby.